none of them are yours and all of them are mine

Following my trip back South over Memorial Day weekend, i shoved this out and now i'm posting it here:

this week has been a week of memories and pondering and realization:

1. i had a great time in jackson visiting with family and my short-lived visits with friends (i.e. getting smashed with folks at fenians), but something in my personal landscape has changed. my idea of home has shifted and my center of gravity has migrated. i still think of jackson as my first "home," but i realize that i really did do the best thing possible for myself to move away and find new ground. i just wish i could bring all of you with me.

2. where next? i was able to recognize that i miss the South, but am maybe not ready to live in it just yet. so maybe new mexico comes next or austin with k$ (she got a job there!) or northern california to learn about using the land. i really do adore portland and living here, but my heart is telling me that it's not time to settle yet, nor do i want to settle yet (but it might be here when i do).

3. dating. ugh. that word carries so much stigma. i've dated a bit since i've been here , but i know that i've made conscious decisions to shy away from this particular brand of human connection. i'm still wary of things that could (and do) compromise my independence. however, MJ and i had a conversation yesterday that this is something i should (and want to) embrace...dating. i think i have trouble reading signals. in fact, i know i do. missed opportunities brought to my attention later. additionally, there lies the judaism question. should i consider the issue of (potentially) partnering with someone who shares my faith?

4. i realized how much of my life and thoughts i keep sheltered. one friend once commented that to really know me is like being in a club, having the door opened for you and she felt like she was only at the point of having a toe in. i suppose this is true about me. i give enough away to keep curiosity satisfied, but i don't think that i've ever been one to openly express feelings and thoughts until i feel the time is absolutely and perfectly appropriate. it took MJ something like 3 days to get that "secret" out of me. and really it came down to her constantly pestering me to give in, but also because i wanted to talk to her about it. it bothered me that i didn't immediately talk about this to her when she asked considering how close we have become and how close we've been about sharing secrets and dreams. maybe this is something to work on for me. i don't know that it's a trust issue. maybe i just like being vague?

5. being a woman. i bought 3 more sassy dresses when i was in town and went shopping with my mom and sister. i really love being a woman and expressing that through what i wear. i am at a point where i can actually say that i really love wearing a dress or a skirt...being a "skirt." they make me feel sexy and feminine (under my own terms) and when it's hot like it is at 5 pm and i walk as much as i do, they make me feel cool. :)