suspicious minds want to know

What a weekend with time well-spent with lots of long-lost friends who happened upon Jackson. had a cookout with the ladies over in brandon (including a munchkin i haven't seen in over 3 years) and another cookout with (quite possibly, the loves-of-my-life) jerry & alex et al. the holiday weekend was filled with much cooking, lots of new & old friends (on the coattails of a very successful supper club) and absorbing renewed energy.

j&a came into jackson and we declared that the 4th of july would be moved to the 3rd so as to honor their presence. i have missed the hell out of those two. charlotte, here i come.

that brings me to the real 4th of july. all else fails, amy intern and i trekked to holly springs to see if mr. world's #1 elvis fan would be willing to entertain us for the independence day.

oh, yes, we got to holly springs. and we got into graceland too.

this was my second visit ever and i am in awe that we left alive. at no less than 27 times did i wonder if we were going to be chopped into tiny pieces and stored with his alleged ex-wife ("She said it was her or elvis. I gave her a million in caszzzzzsh and said so long!").

the zzzz is to indicate the problem with his speech due to extremely ill-fitting dentures that slide around when he talks. i wish he was a hillbilly. he's not...still has the accent of the detroit auto worker he was.



have you ever been to this place? this stuffed, stenched antebellum home in bumfuck, ms?
he claims that he and his son (who hasn't been seen in 3 years, but is constantly referred to by mr. scary in his "tour") have compiled millions of tv clips, newspaper clippings, references, anything related to elvis presley. by the way, his son is named elvis a(a)ron presley macleod. yes, i am serious.

you never actually learn anything about elvis, just how much the collection is worth or could be bought for. i think we heard figures of 250k (offered by bill clinton), a million ("not for a million dollars in caszzzzzzzzsh!") and even the more unbelievable 10 million. he has trunks "full" of carpet from the jungle room at graceland. they are under locks and are never opened. the second you get the courage to ask about it, he touches you and then you feel the need to run away screaming. he also repeatedly refers to tom cruise and his dog. that also gives you the feeling of crawling out of your skin.



the man has built a working electric chair in his Jailhouse Rock backyard...with ten foot barbed wire fences! and a mannequin named Sparky whose unfortunate demise comes with each test of the electric chair.

also, coke "makes me so damn horny! i used to jump my wife 2 times a day, 21 times a week, 365 days a year!" and all the cops and sheriff deputies, etc. all know how to get to his house. why you ask? how do they know? "because they're all ni**ers!" the picture he took of us for the wall of visitors must betray our silent screams.

he is obsessed with numbers, talks your ear off about how we should marry his son and split the money with him, and makes curiously offensive remarks. i personally think he is somewhere on the autism spectrum. that is not a joke. i seriously think that. he is also at once heartbreakingly sad and intriguing. has his loneliness backed him into a corner of tragedy.

the only curious item that he actually has on display (not one of the many things he suggests he has "in warehouses in 3 different states!") is this record, which he says is just elvis answering 4 questions. he claims there are only 15 copies of this one-sided record and that he has one of them:



it's a blurry photo, yes, but does anyone have an inkling as to whether this is truth or not?

my money's on not.

thus ends adventures in Mentally Unstableville.