i want to say sorry for stuff i haven't done yet

today i let someone down. i did it as gently as possible, but in the end, i felt as though i had no choice. getting involved with someone is a scary road anyway without expectations being put on the table. so say you meet person X and you and X fit together in ways you didn't think existed. conversations roll off your tongues, you make each other nervous and with each passing day you wonder what comes next. what comes next is discovering all the hurdles you won't overcome and the hills you will manage together. sometimes those hurdles are big ones, the ones that loom in the near distance. today i found one of those and unfortunately had to nip the bud before it ever saw the light of day. to say, "i'm sorry, but i don't want those things for myself and i don't know that i ever will. this is our point of disappointment." i don't want to change anyone and i surely don't want anyone coming along altering me or even attempting to against my will. but dammit if i really hate, maybe even abhor, letting someone down.

why do we react like that, knowing, sensing that we have failed someone else and feeling so awful about it? granted i know that there is a percentage of the general population that feels no remorse for disappointment, but on the whole, i believe it to simply be human nature to feel so affected. how do you get over feeling so responsible for someone else's happiness? feeling so sad and dejected about saying, "i'm not sorry that i can't meet you halfway."

i suppose we, as john darnielle (my source of wisdom, of course) says: give it the old college try. sometimes there are things about yourself that you just shouldn't budge on. am i cynical (or skeptical?) to thing that there is nothing useful in lying your way through a budding relationship, nodding to the questions as though maybe you'd consider what (s)he is offering.

i felt sick saying what i needed to say, what i had to say, but when parameters become evident, honesty is a key to unlocking those boundaries and letting yourself out quietly. there is no fleeing, just a somber walk away, renee. why set limits for a future that no one can see?

man. this dating thing is hard.

i woke myself up to rest my weary head from all the work i'd done in those dreams i'd had

pride was this weekend. i say that i was really disappointed in the affair. sure. my first dykemarch--wow, that was...cool? i think? the coolest part? when we accidentally intersected with the plunderathon folks (for yous guys in MS and elsewhere--lots of people dressed as pirates on a mission to pub crawl and drink. a lot.) and that was really funny.

"We LOVE dykes!"
"and We LOVE Pirates!"

after the disappointment came slight redemption:

later saturday night we ventured out to Queer Rebellion, a dance night at Acme, a place we've gone before for similar dancing. many drinks later (for my friends), i am sober and outside heatedly chatting with someone i could sincerely go ga-ga for considering her understanding of community, revolution and exploration. we're talking about organization and what pride really means. my dance partners are inside, moving along to beats that don't stop, yet transition awkwardly.

and then, minutes later--j and i slide into the opening beats of 'yr mangled heart' and suddenly beth ditto is wailing and we're pushed to the middle of the crowd. we're surrounded by writhing bodies and pumping hips and moving with each other. the heat and the lights and the sharp smell of sweat becomes overwhelming with each...

I don't want the world, the world
I only want what I deserve

and then, just like that, it's over. next song. i sit back into the shadows, watching and searching and wondering why my body can't respond to those around me.


enough of that.

sunday night i joined my housemates for julie doiron and calvin johnson. we are sitting among about 100 other people in a basement at an artist commune. we sway along to one of the most enchanting voices (julie, with heavy, dark bangs and eyes that concern you) i've encountered. then for a weird little dance from calvin. his clear baritone (and at times, a solid, resounding bass) echoes off the walls and we breathe him in. we take the blues he slides from his guitar and we are silent.

and then i realize it all over again:

i just want to be alone. i am phobic of the world beyond my own nose, yet am fascinated by what people encounter in each other. how do i reconcile this? i have no idea.

i think i'll start with samurai rebellion.

when you were the brightest star, who were the shadows?

I was having a wonderful time and the whole world opened up before me because I had no dreams.

-kerouac

none of them are yours and all of them are mine

Following my trip back South over Memorial Day weekend, i shoved this out and now i'm posting it here:

this week has been a week of memories and pondering and realization:

1. i had a great time in jackson visiting with family and my short-lived visits with friends (i.e. getting smashed with folks at fenians), but something in my personal landscape has changed. my idea of home has shifted and my center of gravity has migrated. i still think of jackson as my first "home," but i realize that i really did do the best thing possible for myself to move away and find new ground. i just wish i could bring all of you with me.

2. where next? i was able to recognize that i miss the South, but am maybe not ready to live in it just yet. so maybe new mexico comes next or austin with k$ (she got a job there!) or northern california to learn about using the land. i really do adore portland and living here, but my heart is telling me that it's not time to settle yet, nor do i want to settle yet (but it might be here when i do).

3. dating. ugh. that word carries so much stigma. i've dated a bit since i've been here , but i know that i've made conscious decisions to shy away from this particular brand of human connection. i'm still wary of things that could (and do) compromise my independence. however, MJ and i had a conversation yesterday that this is something i should (and want to) embrace...dating. i think i have trouble reading signals. in fact, i know i do. missed opportunities brought to my attention later. additionally, there lies the judaism question. should i consider the issue of (potentially) partnering with someone who shares my faith?

4. i realized how much of my life and thoughts i keep sheltered. one friend once commented that to really know me is like being in a club, having the door opened for you and she felt like she was only at the point of having a toe in. i suppose this is true about me. i give enough away to keep curiosity satisfied, but i don't think that i've ever been one to openly express feelings and thoughts until i feel the time is absolutely and perfectly appropriate. it took MJ something like 3 days to get that "secret" out of me. and really it came down to her constantly pestering me to give in, but also because i wanted to talk to her about it. it bothered me that i didn't immediately talk about this to her when she asked considering how close we have become and how close we've been about sharing secrets and dreams. maybe this is something to work on for me. i don't know that it's a trust issue. maybe i just like being vague?

5. being a woman. i bought 3 more sassy dresses when i was in town and went shopping with my mom and sister. i really love being a woman and expressing that through what i wear. i am at a point where i can actually say that i really love wearing a dress or a skirt...being a "skirt." they make me feel sexy and feminine (under my own terms) and when it's hot like it is at 5 pm and i walk as much as i do, they make me feel cool. :)