it's hard to take courage/in a world full of people

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone
--grateful dead (lyrics: robert hunter)



the past couple of months became a time of intense examination of my life and how it is lived, rather, not lived. my salvation came in the form of harvest and american beauty, interestingly enough. through a few small roadtrips for exploration and expression, i embodied that moment at the end of "Freaks and Geeks" when lindsay weir feels it. that was my moment, too. that was my moment, or at least, something like it.

that moment is clarity. clarity for where my path goes. we are all on this monstrous path, a journey to the center, with turns, twists, forks, all those road terms. great metaphor, right? personally, i think so, yes. after we get plopped right down into the middle of that path, we get to choose where we turn off, where we wander, how we get around something to get back to the path. but maybe, just maybe, that path doesn't look like it did before. it's still the same path, but those turn-offs and detours make the world look just a little bit different.

the world looks different since i saw it a few months ago. is it because i changed or is it because i stayed the same while the world around me changed? how much do you account into the big picture? things are brighter, more meaningful and while my days are gone before i can begin them, my life is lived at a wonderful pace. i have seen what passion is again...for so long i forgot and now i remember.

applications are flying, flights are being booked, friends are contacted and the world spins at a dizzying speed. i am at once frightened and on tiptoes in anticipation for what comes next.

but first, a loose end--and i hope you read this and understand:

i want to apologize for the awful things i said. in a fit of rage and disappointment, i wanted you to hurt like me. i wanted you to feel the stings. i should never have cut you with words like i did and for that i am sorry. i threw words at you like daggers and i dream about the wounds i created at the time. i don't know that i'll ever look you in the face again and be able to commune over songwriters and which album feels like home. i do hope that our time gave you fodder for the most amazing songs of your life. all i ask of you is to break your lyrical boundaries. i know that our moments have fertilized the unkempt corners of my short-story life. you became a lost chapter in my collection of lives, but you are slowly moving into the index from "someone i used to know" to "someone i used to love." the good memories are returning and the veil of hurt is quickly receding. i wonder how your memory will see me. will i be filed away as a former, a once-was? will i be forgotten forever? will we be able to incidentally cross paths again and laugh about our follies and grieve together about the friendship we lost?

my hope is for all of those things...my hope is that you are truly happy and that you find direction around the corner where it's been waiting to meet you*, that you take the moment to finally see past yourself.

i know i have. and my god, does the world look beautiful from here.

*(thank you, robert hunter, again)