I stumbled upon your secret place

i was sitting here watching vh1 classics (i think the one with elvis costello and green day and death cab for cutie is the best so far) and it's Heart with Alice in Chains and Carrie Underwood and Rufus Wainwright.

the weight of the world crashed down around me during rufus' rendition of 'dog and butterfly' with ann wilson. how did i get here? how did this change come about? when i think about it, i don't really want to think about my personal timeline. the twists and turns in my memory can be so overwhelming. i wish (sometimes, other times i'm glad) that i didn't have the memory i have.

since everything has cooled off i've made a point of rolling my windows down in the car. i especially enjoy it at night listening to highway 61 revisited on my way home from rehearsal. each night on the way back, coming back to myself after portraying a sad, scorned housewife, i yell along at the top of my lungs, "HOW DOES IT FEEEEEL???" my god. what a liberating moment. (side note: what in the hell is bob dylan doing playing guitar on an IPOD commercial???)

each time i do it i'm reminded of that night you sang 'it's the end of the world as we know it' and screaming into the mic, "AND I FEEL FINE!!!" how blind i was not to realize that my anger and discomfort was matched. how did it feel for you to put your guts into it? at that moment i saw passion in you, the passion that i always wondered about, if it was there. imprinted in my memory now is the notion that you have it in you to be an amazing songwriter. what's blocking your entry? probably the same thing that prevents me from showing my real words to anyone.

so much change and so much more to come. my countdown to THE REALLY BIG MOVE has begun. just less that four months now.

l.a. photos and thoughts coming....after the issue of jury duty is resolved.