The Bleeding Heart Show

Exactly where we're from

2010-10-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

I have a (not so) secret love for Dashboard Confessional. I don't know what it is, but somehow the lyrics and pleading melodies make me feel like an adolescent boy with a pining heart. I guess I dig the nearly impossible feeling I get listening to "Hands Down" or "So Long, So Long." Oh well. There we are. I won't ever call it a guilty pleasure, because, frankly, I don't feel guilty for saying that out loud. Just wanted to clear the air. Oh, I also watch soap operas (I like to call'em stories) and love Cheetos. Maybe people should throw everything they know about me out the proverbial window, or hell, throw it out a literal window.

Sigh. I promised myself I'd get back to writing, so for now, this place will once again be my dumping ground. I hate to say it will be a diary or journal, but until I figure out something decent to write about, it's gonna be the brain drain.

What's the update here? Job's good and emotionally exhausting much of the time, baking has slowed way down, I still listen to sad bastard music pretty much every day, and I actually read one of those Swedish Girl Who Did the Thing with the Thing books. Who knew financial journalism could be intriguing?

While my time in the South has been life-altering in the best ways (I feel content with being a Southern girl and I finally feel...cool.), the West tugs at my innermost self, the part of my heart or soul or guts or some unnamed something that grounds me. I'm beginning to lose my footing here and this time I feel like I'm choosing it. Last time the world turned upside down was because I felt loss and my grief overtook me, shoving me face first into the muck of myself. This time around, though, I feel ready to face whatever is around the corner. Perhaps it's just a stone's thrown from the Ssip, perhaps it's time to bathe in the Pacific again, but whatever it is, I'm wrapped up in its embrace already.

A fraction of the sum

2009-12-20T14:13:00.000-08:00

Holy Moses! I've ignored you, blogosphere. I have a great reason, though. It's because I was busy changing the world and making y'all some cupcakes. Don't be mad. I'm not. In fact, I'm probably happier and more at peace than ever in my personal history.

I revisited my post from last February and was a little shocked at how twitterpated I was with the Ssip then. I know I was in transition mode still and my system was repariring itself with cookie- and friend-making. I totally forgot how at peace I was beginning to feel then with my decision to be back in this forgotten homeland.

It's the end of another calendar year and the end of another decade. In this decade, I graduated from college, wrote an important paper, was published in two very different forums, have had three life-changing jobs, deferred grad school, moved cross-country twice, lost bare skin, interviewed one of my rock idols, and drank a crap ton of coffee. I feel like I should make a full list or something, something that reflects all the goodness that was. Instead of the usual list of annotated thoughts, here's a list of cool stuff for which I am thankful:

1. Seconds & Decades
2. Miss Jackson (if you're nasty)
3. K$
4. The Job
5. Pedro Noguera
6. MS Safe Schools Coalition
7. Paste
8. The band that reminded me of pure JOY
9. Gifted opportunities by an urban family
10. TBD (two weeks left in 2009)

Anyway, live hard and be brave.

Letter from an occupant

2009-10-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Monday,

I hate you and your stupid rainy face. However, you give me an excuse to listen to sad bastard music from my adolescence, so maybe I just dislike you a lot. A lot.

Also, Dolores O'Riordan, I miss you and all your Cranberries. Perhaps y'all can reunite and call up Frente for a private concert on my porch. I promise to make cupcakes.

Xoxo,
Neola

I'm the pretender and not what I'm supposed to be

2009-09-06T20:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Everyone,

I miss this girl like a lost limb. Please advise.

xoxo,
me

The soundtrack of evolution

2009-05-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

I forgot how refreshing it can be to revisit the tones that tickled your ears at some point before. When life gave me lemons, I scoffed at that lemonade thing and instead dug out old mix tapes, the tunes from lifetimes ago. It's so funny to remember what each person was telling me via musical conversation; there were glad hearts, heartbreaks, frustrations, ecstatic exclamations of true love, sincere wishes for a happy future, recollection of things and moments past. It has been like reliving five years' worth of hopes and dreams from other people, but being able to connect to each thought in my own time and space. Remember when I was SO emo?

Now I've gotten a new mix from a mostly new friend and the sounds are that of something awesome and promising. There are unfamiliar beats, lyrical dances and a funky vibe that is going to saturate me through and through. I plan on making this year get better and better. I wholly subscribe to the belief that we each make the future what we want it to be and I'm living that day by day.

The near future holds something really awesome: the new job is going great and I feel good every day going to work knowing that I am positively affecting the lives of several thousand kiddos in the metropolitan area; a non-work project that has been in my imagination for a few years is finally getting off the ground and in the process, I am learning a lot about sound recording and music production; my writing path is being decided for me as I go along and truthfully, I really dig it. Maybe one day I really will become the female Chuck Klosterman that I believe I can be. Until then, the future is bright and music is going to continue to rule that future.

I feel like a broken record, but thank God/Moses/Universe/Stinky Cheese Man for mix tapes for making me get my ass in gear.

There are maybe ten or twelve things I could teach you. . .

2009-02-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

B posted this on her blog and I'd like to share it as well.

Ian McEwan, in this week's New Yorker:
"McEwan said that he never rushes from notebook to novel. 'You've got to feel that it's not just some conceit,' he said. 'It's got to be inside you. I'm very cautious about starting anything without letting time go, and feeling it's got to come out. I'm quite good at not writing. Some people are tied to five hundred words a day, six days a week. I'm a hesitater.'"

We're half awake in a fake empire

2009-02-22T14:36:00.001-08:00

listening: The National, "Fake Empire"

This has truly been a long absence from the blogosphere for me, but I've been doing a lot of thinking and doing and frankly, too much baking. The pursuit of just one of my dream jobs has kept me busier and much more exhausted than I'd anticipated, but it has been an unforgettable experience nonetheless.

The only reason I came here today to deposit my thoughts is that I've been listening to mix tapes lately, old and new, desperately remembering what I was trying to say, what someone else said to me and have been reflecting on friendships, failed relationships, new relationships. I've been in the Ssip now for several months and originally only planned to be here for a short term life, eight to nine months at most, before moving on to the next destination. And then I became nauseated from all the moving and realized I need some stasis.

This is a vastly different feeling than what I had a few months ago. Back in December, I could have sold off nearly everything just to go back to Portland. Granted, there are days I want to go back and those are the days I get stuck listening to mixes MJ made for me. Those are the days that all I want to do is dance with her and cook with her and holler at people on bicycles with her. Today suddenly became one of those days because every time I hear "Fake Empire," I think of her. In a minute, I'll move on to another song, but I'll still miss her.

All of that being said, I also had a really great couple of weeks that remind me of what I adore about being in Jackson and ease the heartache. I've had walks and talks and group television watching and Vagina Monologues and gym buddies and now, new mixes. The new mixes are hopeful and full of excitement, something that the mixes from 2008 didn't have. Those mixes were simply content and slightly shallow. These are made of motion, but this motion, while forward, keeps me in orbit here and now, just where I want to be.

I was a dancer all along

2009-01-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

My very great and best friend, Casey Parks, introduced me to this video of Lykke Li and Bon Iver The song is called "Dance Dance Dance." I believe it is a nearly perfect way to usher in a brand new year. Here's to you, 2009:

After the procession no one dared to make a sound

2008-10-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Listening: The Essex Green, "Rue De Lis"

It is imperative that you do something good for yourself. My suggestion for today is that you visit the new (old) blog of my very great friend and dear heart, Casey Parks. She is moving in ways that make me proud to know her and be called her friend. She is breaking down our walls, word by word:

http://caseyinpictures.blogspot.com/2008/10/sonic-sharing.html

This particular entry takes you to a file to which you will listen and perhaps be inspired or heartbroken or moved or still in just a moment. It is the recording of many different people reciting from a broken book. It is the collection of all of us as "I Was So Sad" by David Lerner. Casey introduced me to this book some five years ago when we were just beginning and were attempting to feel out how each other was about words.

The collection of poems was one of the biggest reasons I felt us to be kindred and now she has made leaps and bounds in her personal art and journey to make something even bigger out of a mountain of emotion.

Listen.

So, So, So, So Listen Up 'Cause You Can't Say Nothin'

2008-10-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

listening: Beastie Boys, "Sabotage" (yes, really)

So, I had this great entry planned out about the VP debate last night, but my friend Ben said it so much better than I could.

My one statement is this:
When did American become so completely ignorant and stupid to not realize that SARAH PALIN HAS YET TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ANYTHING BUT ENERGY.

That said, go read Dorfman's excellent commentary at Deep Chrome Canyons.

And the complications you could do without

2008-09-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

listening: Sufjan Stevens, "Casimir Pulaski Day"

I just found out that my favorite bakery in Jackson has a job opening.

Anyway, I made it safely to Austin and K$ and I proceeded to enjoy ACL without the intense heat that plagued us in 2004. I'm still blowing dust out of my face as it's always too dry, but we had a great, relaxing time.

Here's the list of who we saw/heard, as I'm sure you're dying to know:

The Swell Season (shut it. They're sweet pop ballads and I like them.)
Alejandro Escovedo
CSS
Man Man
Erykah Badu (Lady put two tuning forks in her hair and hollered about New Amerykah in 7-in heels)
MGMT (barely as I swear there were 11 billion people crammed into a tiny space.)
Conor Oberst
Iron & Wine
Beck (Easily in the top 3 of the weekend. We sang along to "Loser" with 30K+ people.)
Gillian Welch
Stars
Neko Case (New music! It's really good! She still didn't marry me!)
Okkervil River
Heartless Bastards
Blues Traveler
Gnarls Barkley (Cee Lo has some damn pipes on him. "Gone Daddy Gone" along with the cover of Radiohead's "Reckoner" were the highlights.)
Band of Horses (They were really cute at being amazed the number of people present.)
Foo Fighters (I need a new face. They rocked mine off.)

Hello beautiful thing, maybe you could save my life

2008-09-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

listening: Bruce Springsteen, "Girls In Their Summer Clothes"

I've been back in Mississippi for nearly two weeks now, making hard decisions about the next eight months and desperately refraining from making plans any further than June. I leave at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning to drive the ten hours to Austin. Thank goodness I replaced my ipod before I ever left Oregon as I'll be making this drive by myself.

Once upon a time I was a 21 year old kiddo with some time to burn and a break from school, so I hopped in the car (the same one I have now) armed with cds (although I think my music taste then was still a bit questionable) and the little money I'd made from working at the coffee bar. I gladly drove those ten hours by myself just to spend a couple of days in a city that felt so warm and right to me. I wonder what happened to me that now I cringe at the thought of spending that time in the car rather than relishing the freedom to do so.

So the big news is that I'll be in Austin for the month of October (hearing a load of lovely music at ACL this weekend and Weezer on the 20th) and then returning to Jackson til my departure again in June. I went to to my grandparents' house today to have lunch and visit and my goodness, my grandfather has aged in the past 3 weeks since I saw him last. Maybe if you wonder why I'm coming back to Jackson rather than sticking up for myself in Austin, that might be a clue.

I'm still composing the entries for my two weeks on the East coast, but here's a preview of what I did with all that time:

yesterday don't matter if it's gone

2008-08-28T14:47:00.000-07:00

listening: franco battiato's cover of "ruby tuesday"

I am about to leave for two weeks on various couches and in guest rooms on the East Coast. First I fly to Atlanta to see Ben & Amanda (and hopefully catch up with C's friends J&S). After spending Labor Day weekend with them, I will board a train to Charlotte, NC, where I will finally get to see my two loves Jolene and Mister A for longer than a meal. I will stay to harass them for about a week before taking another train to Washington, D.C. where I will commune with various friends from college and the museum and another, more recent friend. I'll also be saying hello to Mister Jefferson and keeping my ears open for response from the public school system. There is fantastic article in the DNC edition of Newsweek about the new chancellor taking on the teachers' unions. The nerd in me is stoked to see what happens.

To leave all three of my readers with a pleasant image, this is the pecan tree under which I spent naps when I was a little girl, sitting in a hammock until the ropes pressed into my skin. Unfortunately, after being struck by lightning many times and showing signs of dying, it either has to be cut down or it will fall on the house. House wins. House always wins.

We should be stars and perfect tens

2008-07-29T14:46:00.000-07:00

Listening: AC Newman, "Come Crash"

I'm learning about my family these days via pictures.

This is Mamaw:

This is my Papaw:

This is Clodmore, my dad:

This is my mom and her brother, Terry:

Sisters, all 3:

driving your mom's cargo van

2008-07-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

listening: the avett brothers

today is my birthday! well, for a few more minutes it is. also, for those of you not in the know just yet, i have a travel blog set up to document my cross-country moving. i think, also, that i'm going to expand it to include my 3 weeks of East Coast touring, the month(s) I go to Austin and whatever comes after that.

go visit and leave some love:

http://movingmymemory.blogspot.com

to my sister on her birthday

2008-07-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, K$!!!

May your day be filled with love and hot, scantily clad men.

It's never quiet as it seems, 'cause you're a dream to me

2008-07-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

Listening: The Cranberries, "Dreams"

These arms belong to Casey. There have been a lot of days lately when I wonder what it will be like to be without her in my immediate environment. I try hard not to have those days. Unfortunately, moving will make this a reality for both of us. I really do believe that one day soon she and I will share the same city again, barreling down unfamiliar streets, discovering more "Little Saigons," learning more Jay-Z lyrics, fretting over what to cook for pot luck dinners. Casey has been the constant in my life since arriving in Portland. We separately planned to move here and somehow ended up here on the same day. Since January 1st, 2007, my life has changed for the better. I have learned so much about having adult friendships and it's due to my relationship with her. I have learned how to unabashedly say "I love you" and enjoy the embraces, the joyful grins shared over pretty drinks.

Friendship isn't the only gift Casey has given me. She's also shown me new ways to look at the world around me. While we both work in jobs that focus on education, we have different perspectives, a varying scope. Casey charges into the world with a roar, photographing, writing, reporting: this is the world to which you should focus your attention. She is going to shake the journalism world up more than she already has. Casey made a magnificent impact on the readership of the New York Times with her reporting from Africa. Rather than present yet another story full of anonymous statistics and incomprehensible disease names, Casey gave us heart, she showed us the people by relaying the plight of a woman named Prudence. Now she pours her heart and soul into stories about teenagers in Oregon, the entrepreneurs of their generation, the artists to watch and learn from, the struggles we forget about as adults outside their world.

I cannot wait to see the roads she'll take us on.
She's amazing and kind and so, so lovely. (thank you, thank you, thank you)
I'm so blessed to call her my B.

Watch her jumpstart.

Something's unguided in the sky tonight

2008-07-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

This is a bittersweet time for me right now. I leave in a little over a week from a home I've built in the Pacific Northwest for the road...I've written enough over the past weeks. How about another mix? I believe this one reflects all parts of my time here and my time to come:

everyone else is doing it, so why can we?

2008-06-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone in my blogging world has been making these little mix tapes, so I, of course, jumped on the band wagon. My mix is sad, gets sadder and then suddenly you might want to dance your face off.

EDIT: I decided to dance a lot lately, so I changed the mix to reflect the title. Out with the sad and in with the joy!

Enjoy the dancing around.

Til I see you around, til we clear the accounts

2008-06-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

I have this problem.

I keep the New Pornographers' song "Challengers" on repeat. I think it is a testament to Carl Newman's songwriting abilities that this song has kept me so engaged. It's such a beautiful letter for "Hi. I like you, but....maybe later?"

And this whole discussion that will lead to my amazement at how Neko Case's face reflects the hopeful sadness in the video, etc, is actually a distraction keep me from talking about the real reason for this post.

I quit my job Monday.
I gave notice to my landlord this evening.

This move is really happening. Meditating on this the past few days, I've seen Portland in a new light. My eyes are not mine recently, or maybe they are and are irrevocably changed. While I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends, welcoming the touch of humidity to my face and hearing the familiar music of the Southern accent(s), I am feeling fiercely loyal to my current city, my Portland.

I have been making a mental list of things I will miss, what I will not miss, things I never experienced here. The first list seems to be the longest: regular recycling, bike lanes, Cacao, happy hours with my coworkers/friends, my housemates, my B, Mount St. Helens' silhouette, La Bonita, dance nights, the Skidmore Bluffs. . .

It will be interesting to surf couches and cities and embrace a new life on the road (for a time). I wonder if I'll find anything to replace these things (never B or other B). Ha! I talk so much about feeling unsettled and needing "home," and here I go making the road my home.

Old habits die hard when you've got a sentimental heart

2008-04-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

Listening: She & Him, "Sentimental Heart"

After a few failed tries at syncing our busy schedules, I finally got to meet Mister Abe. I met Lori and the Boy at the Tin Shed for brunch this past Sunday. While we had to wait for about an hour in a chilly morning to be seated, we finally got a table and settled into scrambles, grits and biscuits. I got to see a lot of his personality while we waited in the form of some of those delightful faces only babies can make (and this baby takes the whole cake) and his changing moods. A sleepy face gave way to half smiles and determination to squirm out of arms.

This was exactly what I needed, a smiling and hilarious baby. This amazing creature (Lori and Ted know they've hit the jackpot with this kiddo) reminded me of the goodness in this world, the happiness and glowing warmth that exists. What Lori didn't know going into this breakfast date (or even leaving it) was that my family suffered a tragic death this past week. The death alone is enough to cast a wide gray cloud over anyone, but the nature of it suppressed any smiles and joy we had left. I've been conflicted and confused in my grief, but I will say that seeing that slight dimple in the Boy's left cheek brightened me for days and days.

Lori and I talked a lot through our two hours together (a boy needs his sleep in his mama's lap, after all) about community and how that community can become your family. This past week for me has been frustrating in addition to being grievous. I immediately looked for plane tickets to go to Mississippi and was constantly on the phone with K$, trying to figure out a million different travel plans. Time and cost ended up hindering my attempts to get to Jackson, to embrace my parents and help where I can. It has been so infuriating to be so far away and feel helpless about the entire situation. I don't know how to handle this grief really. What I needed was my family, to see their faces. My friends here have asked what I need, offering to take me out for drinks (and my housemates cried with me over a 6-pack of Mothership Wit), hug me, love me.

When I've needed to be with my family most, I realize that some of that family is here. They are here and I need them. They are willing and able to hold me up and for that, I am truthfully and wholly thankful. This brings me back to sitting with Lori and Abe. The image is burned in my mind of a slack-mouthed baby boy sleeping soundly against his mother's form. It was enough to remind me how family grows just as theirs did, a mother and a father gaining a son, a son gaining parents. It reminded me of how family evolves, how the meaning of "family" changes over time. My heart, in its shroud of grief and conflict right now, is glad to remember that.

and I wanted in your storm so bad/I could taste the lightning on your breath

2008-04-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

Listening: songs:ohia, "Coxcomb Red"

Once upon a time I found a lot of joy in writing about music. I feel like my approach to reviewing or talking about music should be about the experience one feels in listening. I think that I have, in the past, done a pretty great job of relaying what I personally experience in listening, e.g. reactions to lyrics, emotional surges from strums or feeling the toms on my eardrums via headphones. While I appreciate music writers who feel it more necessary to express their thoughts on the mechanics of music and comment on production value, it's not my scene.

That being said, I have committed ten minutes of each weekday to writing specifically about an album, a song, an artist. I've asked a great friend, an accomplished music writer whom I greatly admire, to accompany me in this experiment. The idea is ten minutes a day for five days will get the beginning of something, even a profile. The weekend is for editing and emailing to each other, as we're on opposite coasts right now, and then critiquing, making suggestions and then onward for more. I am putting all of this here because I'll need a reminder of the solid commitment I need to make to improve. Also, the fruits of that labor will then have a home here.

My first attempts will be with:
Essie Jain: We Made This Ourselves
She & Him: Volume One
The Mountain Goats: Heretic Pride (way overdue, of course)
Yeasayer: All Hour Cymbals
Grand Archives: Grand Archives

I rest my head on a pillowy star and a cracked-door moon that says I haven't gone too far

2008-04-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Listening: Wilco, "Via Chicago" (Thanks, Jeff Tweedy, for the subject title)

I'm still stuck on the ideas of "home" and returning South after being way up here in the Pacific Northwest and what all of this means, etc. So, bear with me, it's what I'll be writing about quite a bit with breaks in between to review things like The Mountains Goats' Heretic Pride (waaaaaaaay overdue), The Master Butchers Singing Club, talk about new projects like the review writing exchange. There won't always be such heavy talk here.

When I left Mississippi I knew in my heart of hearts (what does that expression mean anyway?) that I was doing exactly the right thing at the exact right moment in my life to pick up and move so far away. I needed space and time to sort my thoughts, to start my life again after surviving a broken heart, to challenge myself. I've always been at ease in social situations, but the thought of starting all over again, building community in a place I'd never been (truth be told now: I'd never set a foot in Portland, Oregon, before I arrived here last January) truly frightened me and in the outcome, made me more self-aware and confident.

Fast forwarding through the last year+, I've managed to gather some kind of surrogate and wonder family. After a hiccup of a try at living with my landlord, I moved into a yellow house with two soon-to-be great friends. I found a home with them: community dinners, dancing in the kitchen, having kitty friends and learning to chase chickens. I've spent time with this amazing lady (and her equally amazing and hilarious husband) and will be fortunate to meet their son, for whom they've fought so hard these past few months. I found something of a soulmate (as much as I don't know what I think about such things, I do think that souls recognize each other, a la Plato, but that's another entry altogether) in a lady who moved here when I did, independently of me. She has become a favorite fixture in my life and it will surely shatter my heart the day I leave her here. I found a job I really love and has helped me learn more about what my life's work will be. I made great friends at that job, exploring the city's many happy hours through laughter and sharing of lives with them.

And now I am choosing to leave this all behind.

I knew when I moved to Portland that it would be a tenuous existence and that something else would propel me forward again. For all the reasons I could move back to Mississippi (admirers, Eudora Welty, my family, the way the Delta feels to my skin, 930), there are a million reasons why I cannot and should not right now. I have more to find out about this great big world and as a child I'd dream of seeing what else is out there. I know that I need to be back in the South, if for nothing else than to get a refill on the hopes and dreams that only Southern air can inspire. I hope that a stay in Austin will soothe my need to know about living in Texas, the romanticized version inspired in my childhood by reading and watching Lonesome Dove. My next stop will be North Carolina to see if I can wrangle a teaching job in Charlotte, where two of my other life's loves live currently. Maybe one day Mississippi will be in the cards for me. I will spend time with M&P, pay visits to gravesites, bask in sunshine and then say goodbye. I think right now it would take something catastrophic to get me to plant my feet back there. I have a lot of love and fierce adoration in my heart for the Ssip, but there's more out there. There will be a lot of travel and moving and shifting in the next six or so months, but it comes down to this:

Some people find stability in staying in one place for decades, content with stasis. Today, my stability comes in the form of momentum, changing my orbit, always moving forward even with a few steps back.

Muppet Love

2008-04-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

When I left my house today it was just a sprinkle and quite colder than it has been the last two days. By the time I got off my bus to walk nine blocks to my office, I was drenched, punched in the face by a sudden downpour. Anyway, I feel like the Muppets always help a down day. Perhaps you think so, too?

The Way We Get By

2008-03-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow evening, K$ will arrive in Portland. I have missed my sister in a million different ways since I left Jackson (and then she returned to Jackson after graciously tagging along on the Road Trip of the Century) last December. I think about what it will be like for her to be here, my temporary home. I think about if she'll like the things I like about Portland. I wonder if she'll fall in love with it like I did or have her own affair with this magical rainy place. I will show her every wonder I've discovered and hope that she'll have secrets of her own, bridges she adores or neighborhoods that she'll wonder about living in.

I think about leaving this place to return South soon. I will miss so many pieces of it--the strangely named parks (I live half a mile from Unthank Park), seeing toys chained to the old rings used to anchor horses, the sweaty Soul night at Rotture, my daily bus/MAX commute downtown and all of the characters that accompany that trip, seeing Mount St. Helens from my 9th floor office.

The piece I will miss most is the family I have gathered here. I finally found a semblance of home in a person that is not my given family and she will stay here for the foreseeable future. It really is nearly unbearable to think about leaving a piece of your soul or some other intangible organ behind you in your wake. My blood screams to return to the South, to douse my skin in humidity and heat again, but my heart will break.

home.

And I'm still chasing it. I need a place to hang my proverbial hat. A place, a place where I don't feel the stranger and feel the need to change drastically so that I might finally be genuinely and wholly happy here. I've found some semblance of happiness and I think being in Portland has helped me get there, but it's not Portland that made it. I think it was more along the lines of "not the destination, but the journey" idea.

So now I'm going to prepare to scream and push my way back.Really it will be a gliding ride to the homeland. For all of the faults the South carries, at least they make better biscuits there than what I had Saturday morning!

S. F. Sorrow is born!

2008-02-18T23:40:00.000-08:00

Lately my time has been consumed by five things:

1) Work (always, always work)
2) That volunteering thing I do
3) Chasing mountains during these sunny days
4) Obsessively playing Phase 10 with my housemates
5) Studying to take the Praxis (I immediately and II nearly immediately)

The last thing on my list has decidedly moved up in the priorities of my current life. After being in my job for the past year, I've realized (many times over) how much I need to learn about the inner workings of a school and moreso, a classroom. I know that I have good, solid ideas about integrating arts learning into existing curriculum, but I need to see this learning in practice. I've decided to move forward in answering that looming question and gain classroom experience. I'm preparing myself to apply for jobs teaching secondary social studies. I'm gonna use that gosh darned degree again!

This could be a long and potentially disappointing process: will I get a job? will I love it? will I hate it? will I become catatonic from the stress of dealing with mouthy teenagers if I do get said classroom?

Only time and a whole lot of energy will tell. I suppose I have the backup plan of working at Starbucks or selling off organs one by one. Hopefully, neither of those options will come to fruition, but if they do, I swear I'll have fun. And give you free frappamochacinolattefatfreewithwhipdecafpleases.

i am moving past and giving notice

2008-01-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

i was tagged by one of my favorite Portlanders, Lori, this week. she says it is in an effort to get me back to blogging. i admit that i've been extremely negligent of this space, but i promise that they are all great reasons and if you wanna come buy me a cup of tea or a yummy brown ale, you might even get to know what those are! :)

so, in an effort to get back in the saddle (oh, the stories i have to tell from my mississippi adventure! and i've been visiting a naturopath! oh my!) and put my resolution of semi-transparency into practice, i'll start with this glorious meme:

8 things I'm passionate about:
1. Writing. Funny as that may seem considering my blog has been dormant since October, I consider writing the fire that keeps me going. Right now my writing has found a new home in letters to those in my heart.
2. Watching Doctor Who. WHY OH WHY have I waited so long to get into this?!?
3. Baking, especially for my friends. I really love experimenting with flavors and textures, but all for tickling the palates of my dearly beloved.
4. Genuine people. I have a several of them in my life and thank Pete for that. Life is a lot better with them around.
5. Mississippi. It took me moving 2500 miles away to realize how much she is in my blood and how much I really love that about me.
6. Music. This going without saying to the people who know me best. Hell, that goes without saying to people who have just recently met me. Music is how I communicate with the universe. It is salve for when my soul is pained, it is fuel for my creativity and it is a language easily shared.
7. Photographing serenity. If you really feel the need to know more about this, let's look at my portfolio.
8. Getting to hear smiles over the phone (and seeing them in person).

8 things I want to do before I die (not all realistic):
1. Write the definitive profile on Neko Case.
2. Open a patisserie.
3. Get some damn grandkids.
4. See Israel.
5. Learn to knit.
6. Influence some awesome comic artist to render some rad new character based on yours truly. (God bless america, I hate when people say that!)
7. Meet Rob Sheffield (author of Love Is a Mixtape)
8. Make the perfect swing skirt.

8 things I say often:
1. Dang!
2. God bless America! (alternately, use the GWB pronunciation: Amurrrica)
3. Look at what I found! It's a kitty!
4. You're a real peach.
5. I might just hug your face off.
6. What is up, my b!?
7. I'm really sorry to hear that.
8. Asshattery!

8 TV shows I recently watched:
1. Doctor Who
2. Firefly
3. Masterpiece Theater (Persuasion)
4. Freaks & Geeks
5. Wire in the Blood
6. The Adventures of Pete & Pete
7. Heroes
8. Wonderfalls

8 Songs I never tire of listening to:
1. "The Way It Is" - Nicole Atkins
2. "No Children" - The Mountain Goats
3. "Always See Your Face" - Love
4. "Box of Rain" - The Grateful Dead
5. "Honey" - Erykah Badu
6. "My Favorite Mutiny" - The Coup
7. "Good Woman" - Cat Power
8. "Walk Away Renee" - Four Tops

8 things that attract me to my friends:
1. Sense of humor (Sincerely, I think if someone does not have even the slightest sense of humor, we will not get along much less be friends.)
2. A great music collection (I'm kidding! er, mostly.)
3. Snarkiness
4. Honesty
5. Mouthy! (RE: Opinionated)
6. Open-minded
7. Empathy.
8. Authenticity (please take the mask off, okay?)

8 Things I learned in 2007:
1. Leaping gets you into really great places in life.
2. I can do it on my own in my own sweet time.
3. Say what you want to say when you want to say it. Regrets are so 2006!
4. I really fucking love Mississippi.
5. Casey Parks is quite possibly one of the best friends I could ever have and I am elated that we get to take advantage of our time together.
6. I can build fires!
7. I am a pretty good writer on the road to being a great writer and it's time I embrace that.
8. My heart in winter can burst into flame.

Moving your mouth to pull out all your miracles aimed for me

2007-10-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading jonathan safran foer's extremely loud and incredibly close. while i was anxious to keep reading, i didn't want it to end. what a gifted writer JSF is! there are some lovely passages that i am certain will stay with me through time:

She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary.

JSF does something that i only previously admired barbara kingsolver for, which is the ability to shift voices and keep them believable and distinct. the main narrator is a nine year old boy, oskar schell, on the search of his life in post-9/11 new york city. his actions are interspersed with letters from his grandfather and his grandmother, respectively. he uses images (not just the literary kind) of doorknobs and such to accompany the words and i am amazed at the effects on me.

i cried tears of happiness and joy and love and amazement and sadness when i finished.

you should find out why.

i'm going to begin again.

every day i write the list

2007-10-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

due to my buddy V, i've been collecting a list of things (people, moments, revelations) that my personal radar toward positive thinking. this is a list of 1000. and now several of us (us being me and some very great people who happen to be my friends) have founded a community blog called 1000 beautiful things. we deposit one entry at a time to add to our individual growing lists.

this way we get to share our lists with each other, bringing small smiles and knowing nods to the table.

i invite anyone that reads the bleeding heart show to take a look.

(and if you're interested in joining in, throw a comment my way and i'm glad to add to you to the author list.)

you don't have to be there to catch me. i won't fall.

2007-10-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

no real writing happening these days as i'm spending my time traveling (jackson, new orleans) and baking!

the beauty to the left is vanilla cake filled with pumpkin pie and topped with cardamom-spiced vanilla buttercream icing.

those babies sure were pretty to put together.

the namesake

2007-09-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

i finally got to see the new pornographers. it's as though most of my life the past few years has been lived for this moment. they came my way finally and 2 weekends ago i took myself to the crystal ballroom to wait with nearly-choking anticipation for those guys to hit the stage.

they finally did. and ohmygodohmygod they were amazing. in fact, i'm not quite sure that phrase does them justice. they were ON throughout the set (plus encore) after lavender diamond (whom i also ADORE.) they played and played and played. i danced around for what seemed like forever.

and the best part of the night came when they finally played 'the bleeding heart show.' this is why the post is properly titled: the namesake. this song took me through some confusing moments, some really hard moments and the best days of my life. i've cried along with the song, screamed the lyrics in my car and silently stared at a wall while neko wails into ears with her "you have arrived too late to play the bleeding heart show." this song (along with the whole of TNP's catalogue) accompanied me in many moments between the elliptical machine and the road to Portland.

that's really all i can say for them right now. i floated away through the end of the set and into the encore. here's the set list and a blurry peek at neko case:

1. All The Things that go to make heaven & earth
2. Use It
3. The Jessica Numbers
4. Myriad Harbour
5. Jackie Dressed in Cobras
6. Challengers
7. Laws Have Changed
8. Entering White Cecilia
9. Mass Romantic
10. Unguided
11. Twin Cinema
12. My Rights Versus Yours
13. Mutiny I Promise You
14. Go Places
15. Sing Me Spanish Techno
16. The Bleeding Heart Show

Encore:
1. Testament in Youth in Verse
2. Miss Teen Wordpower
3. Letter From An Occupant

with a little help from my friends

2007-08-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

i've been housesitting this week for friends (and kitty sitting 3 odd fellows). the differences between their house and my house are great, but the one that has impacted me the most is the cable. i haven't really watched television (aside from watching TV dvds--Freaks & Geeks, Pete & Pete, 90210...the classics, y'know) in about 9 months. i watched a bit when i visited K$ in austin, but this, friends...my goodness.

i've been watching 2 episodes of the wonder years before i go to bed around 11 pm. and then this morning i heard joe cocker crooning the theme this morning on the radio. i really, really love that show. i was so young watching it when it was on TV the first time and now have watched it all again through reruns and am counting on the day that the music rights can be secured and all seasons will be released onto DVD so i can get my grubby little hands on them.

the 2 episodes last night were just 2 examples of how awesome and poignant this show is. the first episode i watched with midge and scrat was about the English teacher who tried to buck the system--getting rid of letter grades in favor of Pass/No Pass, reading Catcher In the Rye, opening up the world of literature beyond the uninformed intentions of a disconnected school board. it was such a cool episode and made me wistful for high school English, really the only thing about high school i truly loved in retrospect. (there was this great moment in 11th grade when we watched Hamlet and our ditzy teacher wanted to fast forward through naked parts, but was so inept at technology that she paused it instead.)

and then the joni mitchell played. i realized from the beginning how important music was to this series, but last night, the episode "Kodachrome" reminded me in waves of memory. in the background we could hear the tinkling of "both sides now." it's so funny how one song can be recorded by the same artist twice in her life and sound SO different. this led midge and me to discuss how heartbreaking that scene in Love Actually is when accompanied by the gravelly breaths and slowed phrasing of a much older joni singing 'both sides now.' in this particular episode of TWY, however, the song makes the experience of opening your mind up to possibilities hopeful, rather than hopeless.

the second episode is the one where wayne really feels his inadequacy academically and makes the misguided attempt at salvaging himself by joining the army (if i say what happens and you don't know, then i've ruined some stuff for you. do yourself a favor and catch the reruns)--it's 1972 at this point and Vietnam is still raging with war.

and that leads to the sadness to come from Vietnam. from the beginning of my life i was taught about war, mostly just through the lens of an academic historian, examining battle tactics of the respective wars, the impact on my own family (my grandfather as a paratrooper in WWII and then deployed again in Korea, coming back a very different man), the political tug-of-war and responsibility. so there i sit watching this episode knowing what might loom in wayne's future and flashing to every page of textbook in college that covered post-1950 history. i remember seeing these episodes as a kid wishing i was that age at that time and could somehow talk wayne out of it, talk all of those boys at it, screaming for their salvation from a war that did nothing but leave a lot of grieving parents and spouses and children. i was an inflamed child, aware of what Napalm was and what protesting meant, but not really. i wouldn't really know the weight of protest until i was in college.

how is it that television of all things (remember, it rots your brains!, parents say) reminds you SO MUCH of your own life?

thank you for being in my life, kevin arnold.

ten thousand dancing girls kicking cans 'cross the sky

2007-08-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

i made a commitment to myself to write every couple of days and i have failed miserably. maybe it still counts if i think about writing every couple of days even if i don't make it there. many things have passed, including my 26th birthday. it was a good day to gain my "adult cred." my good friend midge spearheaded a lovely evening of sushi, dancing and beauty. i'm not sure what my portland experience would be without her. she tells me that i help make oregon feel like home for her, but i must insist that the feeling is mutual.

another piece of home found me today. i received my birthday package from my parents, albeit late. :) it's their way! included in said package was a t-shirt from Primo's, a family-owned restaurant in jackson that is a longstanding tradition in my family. it was always a treat for my grandmother to take my dad and my aunt when they were younger to eat there. that location they frequented has since burned, but another one reminiscent of the original opened several years ago. it was where k$ and i would meet our grandparents for a weekend lunch or go for dinner with our parents. they are known for their baked goods, especially the caramel cake that is too eggy for my palate. along with the t-shirt, they sent Mississippi cheese straws, "Southern Trash" snack mix, another flashlight (this one is a key chain. side note: my dad is obsessed with giving his kids flashlights. i swear i have about 37 now!), some crazy balm for dry hands (courtesy again of my handy dandy dad), an airplane that i will have to build at some point, and this:
my parents very carefully packed a petit-four from Primo's in the foil you see and only a bit of the icing got mussed. in the takeout box it was in was also that pink polka-dotted candle you see.

because they couldn't bring a cake to me, the cake brought THEM to me.

these are the days i remember that my parents really are rad.

and i remember what home is.

Can you chase me till you my feet touch the ground and go dancing?

2007-07-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

i sit here sunburned and exhausted from a weekend enjoying sunshine and the bit of heat we've finally gotten in portland. my mamaw in mississippi is convinced we're suffering from the 100+ degree heat in various other parts of the West, but i think i've finally explained that we're not quite in that pocket. this weekend saw our determination to continue bringing Mississippi to portland (i do live with 2 fellow mississippians after all and half of my friends here are the same) when we deposited an inflated kiddie pool (that could easily fit 6 or so adults comfortably) in our front yard. we forgot that the water from the hose would be freezing cold, so i'm sure it was a hilarious sight for our neighbors to see 4 screeching adults attempting to sit in 2 and a half feet of frigid water. today we ventured to the oregon coast where we traded our swimsuits of yesterday for hoodies to fight against the cutting wind. in the end, i still had sunburn on top of my sunburn.

all of this talk of fusing mississippi with oregon has mainly stemmed from finishing (for the 4th time) Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady by Florence King. miss king's observances of the southern "lady" and the many versions she has taken on are curiously hysterical and somewhat familiar. a section of the book deals with explorations of her sexuality in a conservative South and her remembrance of certain social constructions she must never forget. after reading this and many lengthy conversations with Mamaw, i have been inspired to embrace certain aspects of my southern womanhood that have been long forgotten. i think it will be a possibly frustrating and hopefully enlightening process for me in my journey back to the South i love.

speaking of florence king, i should also mention here that tomorrow is the day that my sister (the kind soul who introduced me to miss king), fondly known as K$, entered this world. she preceded me by 5 years and i never let her forget it. tomorrow i will be on the road toward the High Desert for a work retreat, so i won't be able to gush over her on her appropriate day and i'd like to let the world of blogging know how much i appreciate my sister. i've included a photo of us taken when i visited MS over Memorial Day weekend. we are pink cheeked and glassy-eyed, glistening from the humid bar where we sung our hearts out and about for friends and strangers.

this lady has endured almost 26 years of my own existence (and endurance it was...i was an awful child) and has overlooked my many flaws to become my best friend. she gladly came along on my 3000 mile trek toward new freedoms in portland and helped me laugh through a potentially impossible situation involving a broken window and some broken english. she has been on her own journey to dreams and identity and will be leaving jackson as well for the hotter and hipper grounds of Austin, Texas. in two weeks she will begin a new life and a new job all on her own and i can't say enough how proud i am of all the amazing things she has done in her life.

k$, i'm thrilled to know you as a friend and i'm sure as hell grateful you're my sister.

a toast to you on your 31 years.

Your name and mine inside a heart upon a wall

2007-07-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

lately i've been listening a lot (and when i say a lot, i mean every day and probably 5 or 6 times a day. maybe a little obsessive? maybe?) to "Walk Away Renee." this is not just any version of this song. this is the cover as done by the four tops. i think i keep listening to it because it reaches some part of me that the music i love most tends to tickle. while i love left banke and the goodness they gave us in this song, there's something in levi stubbs' pleading throughout the song that makes me believe that the singer really is pursuing the unrequited love of a woman who is involved with his best friend/creative partner/relative, etc, the socially untouchable woman.

while listening to this, i feel the disappointment, the longing and the desperation. it's been entirely too long since a song made me feel this. so then this gets me to thinking about when people have listened to this song while in the situation of the song. i wonder how many people have listened to 'walk away renee' while lusting after/loving someone and deepening their sadness or disappointment. i know that i have intentionally listened to certain songs knowing their potential affect on my psyche or mood at the moment. the one that i used to keep around is the grateful dead's "box of rain." it is slightly hopeful, nearly the opposite of 'walk away renee.'

i really like that belle & sebastian refer to this song as an epitaph in 'piazza.'

who wouldn't want this song written about them? i haven't felt so perfect a musical moment in months. i'm glad there are some things in this world that renew my hope that music is still a good thing. i have nothing groundbreaking or new to say about this song except thank god it exists at all.

i want to say sorry for stuff i haven't done yet

2007-06-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

today i let someone down. i did it as gently as possible, but in the end, i felt as though i had no choice. getting involved with someone is a scary road anyway without expectations being put on the table. so say you meet person X and you and X fit together in ways you didn't think existed. conversations roll off your tongues, you make each other nervous and with each passing day you wonder what comes next. what comes next is discovering all the hurdles you won't overcome and the hills you will manage together. sometimes those hurdles are big ones, the ones that loom in the near distance. today i found one of those and unfortunately had to nip the bud before it ever saw the light of day. to say, "i'm sorry, but i don't want those things for myself and i don't know that i ever will. this is our point of disappointment." i don't want to change anyone and i surely don't want anyone coming along altering me or even attempting to against my will. but dammit if i really hate, maybe even abhor, letting someone down.

why do we react like that, knowing, sensing that we have failed someone else and feeling so awful about it? granted i know that there is a percentage of the general population that feels no remorse for disappointment, but on the whole, i believe it to simply be human nature to feel so affected. how do you get over feeling so responsible for someone else's happiness? feeling so sad and dejected about saying, "i'm not sorry that i can't meet you halfway."

i suppose we, as john darnielle (my source of wisdom, of course) says: give it the old college try. sometimes there are things about yourself that you just shouldn't budge on. am i cynical (or skeptical?) to thing that there is nothing useful in lying your way through a budding relationship, nodding to the questions as though maybe you'd consider what (s)he is offering.

i felt sick saying what i needed to say, what i had to say, but when parameters become evident, honesty is a key to unlocking those boundaries and letting yourself out quietly. there is no fleeing, just a somber walk away, renee. why set limits for a future that no one can see?

man. this dating thing is hard.

i woke myself up to rest my weary head from all the work i'd done in those dreams i'd had

2007-06-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

pride was this weekend. i say that i was really disappointed in the affair. sure. my first dykemarch--wow, that was...cool? i think? the coolest part? when we accidentally intersected with the plunderathon folks (for yous guys in MS and elsewhere--lots of people dressed as pirates on a mission to pub crawl and drink. a lot.) and that was really funny.

"We LOVE dykes!"
"and We LOVE Pirates!"

after the disappointment came slight redemption:

later saturday night we ventured out to Queer Rebellion, a dance night at Acme, a place we've gone before for similar dancing. many drinks later (for my friends), i am sober and outside heatedly chatting with someone i could sincerely go ga-ga for considering her understanding of community, revolution and exploration. we're talking about organization and what pride really means. my dance partners are inside, moving along to beats that don't stop, yet transition awkwardly.

and then, minutes later--j and i slide into the opening beats of 'yr mangled heart' and suddenly beth ditto is wailing and we're pushed to the middle of the crowd. we're surrounded by writhing bodies and pumping hips and moving with each other. the heat and the lights and the sharp smell of sweat becomes overwhelming with each...

I don't want the world, the world
I only want what I deserve

and then, just like that, it's over. next song. i sit back into the shadows, watching and searching and wondering why my body can't respond to those around me.

enough of that.

sunday night i joined my housemates for julie doiron and calvin johnson. we are sitting among about 100 other people in a basement at an artist commune. we sway along to one of the most enchanting voices (julie, with heavy, dark bangs and eyes that concern you) i've encountered. then for a weird little dance from calvin. his clear baritone (and at times, a solid, resounding bass) echoes off the walls and we breathe him in. we take the blues he slides from his guitar and we are silent.

and then i realize it all over again:

i just want to be alone. i am phobic of the world beyond my own nose, yet am fascinated by what people encounter in each other. how do i reconcile this? i have no idea.

i think i'll start with samurai rebellion.

when you were the brightest star, who were the shadows?

2007-06-20T12:56:00.001-07:00

I was having a wonderful time and the whole world opened up before me because I had no dreams.

-kerouac

none of them are yours and all of them are mine

2007-06-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

Following my trip back South over Memorial Day weekend, i shoved this out and now i'm posting it here:

this week has been a week of memories and pondering and realization:

1. i had a great time in jackson visiting with family and my short-lived visits with friends (i.e. getting smashed with folks at fenians), but something in my personal landscape has changed. my idea of home has shifted and my center of gravity has migrated. i still think of jackson as my first "home," but i realize that i really did do the best thing possible for myself to move away and find new ground. i just wish i could bring all of you with me.

2. where next? i was able to recognize that i miss the South, but am maybe not ready to live in it just yet. so maybe new mexico comes next or austin with k$ (she got a job there!) or northern california to learn about using the land. i really do adore portland and living here, but my heart is telling me that it's not time to settle yet, nor do i want to settle yet (but it might be here when i do).

3. dating. ugh. that word carries so much stigma. i've dated a bit since i've been here , but i know that i've made conscious decisions to shy away from this particular brand of human connection. i'm still wary of things that could (and do) compromise my independence. however, MJ and i had a conversation yesterday that this is something i should (and want to) embrace...dating. i think i have trouble reading signals. in fact, i know i do. missed opportunities brought to my attention later. additionally, there lies the judaism question. should i consider the issue of (potentially) partnering with someone who shares my faith?

4. i realized how much of my life and thoughts i keep sheltered. one friend once commented that to really know me is like being in a club, having the door opened for you and she felt like she was only at the point of having a toe in. i suppose this is true about me. i give enough away to keep curiosity satisfied, but i don't think that i've ever been one to openly express feelings and thoughts until i feel the time is absolutely and perfectly appropriate. it took MJ something like 3 days to get that "secret" out of me. and really it came down to her constantly pestering me to give in, but also because i wanted to talk to her about it. it bothered me that i didn't immediately talk about this to her when she asked considering how close we have become and how close we've been about sharing secrets and dreams. maybe this is something to work on for me. i don't know that it's a trust issue. maybe i just like being vague?

5. being a woman. i bought 3 more sassy dresses when i was in town and went shopping with my mom and sister. i really love being a woman and expressing that through what i wear. i am at a point where i can actually say that i really love wearing a dress or a skirt...being a "skirt." they make me feel sexy and feminine (under my own terms) and when it's hot like it is at 5 pm and i walk as much as i do, they make me feel cool. :)

Trouble me

2007-05-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

over the years i've told anyone that would listen about how much i love terry gross.

now NPR is celebrating the 20th anniversary of her philadelphia-based show going national. the site has posted 20 of her most interesting and intriguing conversations.

check it out for interviews with such legendary icons as Doc Watson, Norman Mailer and Thelma Schoonmaker.

'Fresh Air' turns 20!

not for all the tea in china

2007-04-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

inspired by my good buddy ben, i made myself into a superhero. sort of. for one, i don't look anything like this. regardless, watch yourself. i got a fox and fly-ass hair, y'all:

She picked the colors from the air

2007-04-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

anyone frequenting myspace has surely seen this photo by now. this is my friend randi and me with our ever-present hoodies. she's one of my favorite portlanders.

if only to be closer to you, caroline

2007-04-13T00:49:00.001-07:00

i finally found the cd i've been desperately looking for--ryan adams' 29.

i'm sitting here attempting to make a makeout cd for the potluck tomorrow night and i'm listening to 'carolina rain,' and all i can think about is how i want to be riding through the darkened delta, barreling toward a porch.

that porch has a yellow light bulb,
mosquitoes that will eventually annoy the hell out of me,
humidity that drips down my back,
and a rocking chair to lay my head on so that i can listen to my own breath.

i want to be in water valley. i want to listen to clarksdale, to yazoo city's alligators yawning, to oxford's shameful tales.

jesus. mississippi pumps through my veins with a deafening roar.

march into the sea

2007-03-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

TRUE STORY:

saturday when driving myself and my mother to seattle, i finally got a good radio station (my cd player gave me the bird after the 3000 miles back in january) to come on: 107.7 The End. i hear the smiths, pearl jam, and modest mouse's "dashboard" in succession. then i hear: "OH we're giving away tix to a modest mouse show." so i call, thinking there's no way i'll get these tix. there were two MM shows in portland that sold out the second the tickets hit the street.

ANYWAY,

i was between seattle and tacoma. and i miraculously won the tickets.

I HAVE NEVER WON ANYTHING ON THE RADIO BEFORE.

and what's better? this is a "secret" show for only about 600 people...as close to a club show that MM will ever play again. YESSS.

downside? i have to drive to seattle on wednesday again.

upside? did i mention it's the size of a club show? at a naval shipyard? and JOHNNY MARR is there?!?

there will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year

2007-03-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

while i was hoping against hope that he'd indulge my love of "your belgian things," john darnielle did not disappoint in the slightest last night at the doug fir. the mountain goats continue to be one of my favorite bands and after last night, man...this guy might be my personal jesus.

i was too into the dancing around and singalongs and managing the impact of the audience's reactions to put down a setlist, but it included lots of favorites like "lion's teeth" and "dance music," but the tempo was slowed down and ELECTRIFIED. the funniest comment of the night (and those of you out there who have seen these kids play know that he tells random stories and whatnot) was "do you remember where you were when the mountain goats went electric?" awesome. yes, yes, y'all. and there are two encores to speak of...but my favorite moment came when i heard the opening of thin lizzy's "the boys are back in town." oh how beautiful! the ladies of Pony Up (a band that i now have to know by heart) came back out to provide backup vocals.

the rest of the set filled out with "tallahassee" and a couple of quiet numbers like "get lonely." you could hear a pin drop among the swaying of the bodies. this was such a great, packed crowd to be within...something of a homecoming for darnielle. he really seemed to enjoy himself up there. and i sincerely think he gets genuine joy knowing that that encore will contain the massive singalong (or shoutalong in this case) to 'no children.'

what joy *I* get from dancing and singing along to 'this year.' that song saved my mind last spring. it saved my soul, too. i really love dancing with a couple hundred other people that are instantly reminded of some low point in their lives when they decided they must push onward.

and there was a second encore that i don't want to tell anyone about...i want that few minutes to be for me, when he stepped into the crowd from behind his mic. i think i fell in love again with an awkward man named john darnielle.

I'm half a world away here

2007-02-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

just about a month has passed since i got my job. due to my job i'll be taking a hip hop dance class and a drumming class. maybe those things will make me hip. maybe they'll just make me sore.

i work in downtown portland and in lieu of fighting traffic and dealing with parking and too much money for naught, i take the light rail every day. in doing so i get to look at people in a light i haven't experienced yet. every morning i take my half-mile walk to the platform with my earbuds in, playing whatever playlist i've put together. lately i've been repeating the coup's "my favorite mutiny" because i'm in love with how boots riley says, "looking for psalm number 151." and so i get a bounce in my step.

after i board the train, i pull out whatever book i'm reading so that i can pretend to be immersed in words when i'm really peering over the pages to see who boards next. my latest fascination has been with this guy who gets on one stop up from me. he rides in the same hat, same jacket, same army-green messenger bag with huge headphones. many days i've wondered what he listens to in those great big phones. i had the courage last week to finally ask him on friday. he didn't get on the train that day. or yesterday. maybe he doesn't want to tell me what he jams to during the 8 am commute.

then after the work day is done, i stroll down to another stop and board for the crowded commute home. everyone looks so tired and so sad and so done. i wonder what happened during their day that their mouth must be so downturned. i put in my headphones and wonder how much liquor that guy next to me must have had for me to choke on the fumes. what bar did he hit before boarding the yellow line? was his day that rough? i want to embrace him and give him warmth, but the reek of cheap vodka keeps me away.

then i have my walk home. the solitude i crave during the last hours of my day. it is at this point that i put r.e.m.'s "half a world away" on repeat and relish each footstep toward my north portland home. and most days i pause when i reach the I-5 overpass. i watch the lights of cars go by, chasing each other home.

i always thought michael stipe was lamenting, "this could be the saddest us i've ever seen..."

rather he sings:

This could be the saddest dusk
I’ve ever seen
Turn to a miracle
high alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hands tired my heart aches
I’m half a world away and go.

i fell for the dusk tonight.

here's where the story ends

2007-01-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

o, when they tap our mundane heads,
To zombie-walk in our stead,
This town seems hardly worth our time,
And we'll no longer memorize or rhyme,
To fall along in our crime,
Stepping over what now towers to the sky,
With no connection.

i don't know why, but i've had pavement's crooked rain, crooked rain and the sundays' reading, writing, and arithmetic on repeat.

today j & i went out to the columbia river gorge. we stopped at three waterfalls, the biggest being multnomah falls. the falls were beautiful even with an icy spray to the face and icy sliding down the path. i love that i get to experience geography that is so different.

it's like stepping into some hidden, quiet world.

a secret.

did you ever wonder if Jezebel was a revolutionary?

2007-01-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

bb and i ventured over to powell's to attend norah vincent's reading.

so much about her is astounding. she's a hot, hot lady on the outside, but then she opens her mouth to speak, slightly shy and quickly gaining confidence. her contact with her audience is genuine and remarkable. and her vocabulary? oh jeez, already. i was ready to dump neko off at the laundry and get myself a new piece of arm candy. i raced through self-made man. it was so interesting to experience dialogue concerning men and men's sexuality and emotions and achilles' heels...especially in a new city.

(don't you love how i just pretended that i stroll along with neko case?)

i can't shake the feeling i got from "baby c'mon" last saturday.

AND two rows in front of us sat tegan!

you're the kind of girl i like

2007-01-21T01:16:00.000-08:00

So drunk in the August sun
And you're the kind of girl I like
Because you're empty and I'm empty
And you can never quarantine the past
Did you remember in December
That I won't eat you when I'm gone
And if I go there, I won't stay there
Because I'm sitting here too long
I've been sitting here too long
And I've been wasted
Advocating that
Word for the last word
Last words come up
All you've got to waste

after staring at stephen malkmus for the past 2 hours or so, i am still blinded by this ringing thought. all i see are those passages in Love Is a Mix Tape where rob talks about renee and how they used music to communicate. pavement was a binder for them, common ground in a shared life that was already common. i couldn't shake that thought while the jicks pounded through songs new and old. i wonder: does stephen malkmus know how much he meant to that fuzzy headed girl? does he know how many times his creations played over a radio in an old cranky Lebaron, barreling down dusty highways in virginia?

mr. malkmus, do you know?

(on a side note, the best thing stephen malkmus ever did for his career was add janet weiss to his lineup. JESUS that lady is fierce.)

lord byron was my party guest...

2007-01-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

you are the subject of many conversations and the focus of many jealousies among friends and would-be lovers.

this anonymous you who has intrigued me....and you're still anonymous.

i want to ask you so many questions. do you like sunsets? do you want to see the pictures i took at White Sands, New Mexico? did we ever have coffee or tea once upon a time? can i make a mix tape for you? no, like a real TAPE. will you share more words with me?

oh. there's too many to ask. and now i miss your presence. and i have no name, no face, no fingerprint to associate with that presence.

for someone in the shadows

2007-01-15T11:57:00.001-08:00

For what rite shall we cross our swords?
A dance? Before what sort of tryst?
Why threaten me with negative,
In your promise of a new twist

To my existence? Dare I ask
Exactly what's in store for me,
If I succumb to your request,
Which I find irresistably

Compelling. Who, and what are you;
To dare sway an escort of Death?
To make me look another way?
To cause me to bestill my breath?

this comet in your heart and it's growing

2007-01-13T13:35:00.001-08:00

listening to this new Shins album makes me feel like all is right with the world. things are balanced for just this hour i'm listening.

welcome home.

is there any song or album that makes you feel like that?

i was going through my boxes of cds last night and busted out my copy of the 10,000 Maniacs MTV Unplugged disc. SHIT. i forgot how much i loved the tune 'jezebel.'

this album came out in 1993 and i remember buying it as soon as it hit the shelves. i was fucking 12 years old, hurting with every note from natalie merchant's voice.

this book (love is a mix tape) is doing something to me.

anticipating and waiting

2007-01-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

really. seriously.

i am love with this book. i have recently been really into reading the creations of music writers. first there was the love affair with chuck klosterman. then there is the impending arrival of And It Don't Stop: 25 Years of the Best Hip Hop Journalism. now there is this...of all the mix tapes (yes, most are cds, but who's counting??) i have made for people or intended to make, none compare to the words this man has put together. each chapter has its own mix tape as he tells the story of how he met the girl of his dreams, the one who adored music just as much, if not more, than he did. then they get married and then tragedy happens. who's left standing? rob sheffield and his massive collection of mix tapes.

GO GET THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW.

i want you to read it and then call me so we can gush over the phone about music from the 90s.

yo--keep ya eyes closed

2007-01-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

3 things about music for today:

1) i will raid Jackpot records (here in portland) for all their booty. they were *actually* playing an elliott smith track on their outdoor speakers on sunday. don't they know?

2) listen to the new apples in stereo. i really like the track 'energy'--go myspace it.

3) if you're into listening to new hip hop as i am, find Stimulus and listen to Racing Against the Sun. that is, if you've already heard the Nas album 'Hip Hop is Dead.'

fin.

ya heard?

And finally...

2007-01-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

since i didn't want to leave anyone hanging on at mt. shasta (seriously, if i ever have a kid, that child will be named Shasta), we finally rolled into Portland at 11 pm New Year's Day and silently unloaded the stuff from my teeny car into my new bedroom in a house settled on N. Mississippi Avenue. it's a really cute neighborhood. although i think i might have fallen in love with the mount shasta community. i think when i'm feeling the need for some zen, i'll go there. okay, anyway...the house is cool and has so many hidden rooms that include a sassy, 50s style bar. the owner of the house lives on the bottom floor with her 3 dogs (one is a shaggy dog lookalike, one looks like a black MAX!!!, and the smallest, penny, is the cutest baby i've ever seen. also hanging out with those guys is franklin, the weirdest beagle. he really is a strange gentleman) and then a girl who looks like bjork (minus any goose dresses) lives on the top floor. i'm in between on the ground floor by myself, but with the common living spaces. i have a blue bedroom with a built-in bookshelf upon which i placed my photo of the ravaged MS gulf coast. AND the guest bedroom is also part of my space for projects like sewing (which i have sworn to myself that i will be doing) or knitting. so all of yous readers buy that plane ticket and head up here. you have a place to stay with a real bed that doesn't blow up and sit on the floor. since being here, i have had scrumptious sushi and gone for locally brewed stout at a place called chapel pub. it's a bar in a former funeral home and it's across from the abbey which currently advertises "SIN ALL THE DAMN TIME. GO TEAM EVIL." and it's all within walking distance of my house. yes! i'm still really nervous about exploring things and getting lost, but i have obtained a Thomas Guide that has a million little street maps in it. to get it, i went to NW Portland to a bookstore called Powell's where i could have spent all damn day. it's the largest independent bookstore in the u.s. then what is the strand?

i still need a job. it's weird to have a lot of time to do whatever i'd like. i'm not used that. since 14 i have worked all the time...summers i worked, school breaks i worked...i worked close to 40 hours a week in addition to a full load of classes in college. then i started working at the ISJL when i was still a senior. i don't know really what it's like to have time to burn.

THE SUN IS OUT. hurrah!

i miss everyone. a lot. it hit me yesterday after i took k$ to the airport that i'm HERE and i'm not just visiting. i'm a ball of emotion between being excited about a new present and exploring to being nervous about meeting new people and doing new things and finding a job and reconciling feelings about things back home. and that's just it--i finally call jackson home. that's the strangest part about all of this. i hope everyone had a glorious new year. i gave a hearty middle finger to 2006 in my southern comfort-induced tipsy and a welcome hug to 2007. what did all of you do? i'd like hear holiday stories, good and bad. i've got a bit of emotional homesickness, so i'd like to hear from you either here or by email or if you want, gimme a call and i'll tell you the rest of the details of the panty-stealers. :)

Pictures coming....

Final Day of Driving (December 31-Jan 1)

2007-01-06T15:55:00.001-08:00

...and we stopped at Mount Shasta. it will put us getting into portland later, but i'm so glad we stopped here. there are shamans everywhere and tibetan meditation rooms. in addition to new mexico (bb, i want to camp at white sands!), i could possibly live here, too. snow everywhere and a place called middle earth crystal room.

so the story on why we're so late in the trip. in the wee hours yesterday morning our motel room phone rings and i thought maybe k$ had arranged for an early wake up call. no such luck. all i heard was her say, "OH SHIT." someone had broken out the back passenger side door window in my car. what did they take, you ask?

MY BAG OF PANTIES.

yes. i'm not kidding. when i say i left my panties in san fran, i literally mean it. i had a small luggage bag packed up with all the panties, bras and socks that i didn't pack in my little overnight bag of clothes for the trip. i had every other garment vacuum packed in my trunk. that person must feel like a right asshole right now. THEY TOOK MY PANTIES. now i have to go replace all my underwears and socks. including my funky new socks i just bought at the gap. this led to our adventure in finding someone to replace the window on a sunday that also happened to be new year's eve. that takes us to oakland at 3 pm yesterday, which is when we had planned to be at the oregon border. finally, dragos finds the part and i pay out of pocket for now and will wait on insurance reimbursement. so we're talking to dragos in a freakin' mcdonald's parking lot in oakland and i ask where he's from considering his accent.

he says, "what do you mean? where do you think i'm from??"
and i said, "well, you have an accent. where's the accent from, then?"
"eastern europe."
"oh really? where in eastern europe?" (cue look at his face that tells me i probably shouldn't have asked that.)
"do you know where yugoslavia used to be?"
"yes." (SHIT. i felt like such a bastard for asking now. i gave him an extra 20. guilt gets into my pockets quickly.)in the time we were waiting to hear from him (about 10 am after finding him on craigslist after calling every auto glass place in the bay area. maybe 40 or so phone calls.) we went to fisherman's wharf and ate some awesome dungeness crab and bay shrimp. thank god i'm not a kosher jew. :) went shopping and bought some crap. finally leave oakland, then back to SF so we can see the golden gate bridge. then on to a twisted route back to I-5. finally stopped in redding, ca, because i was too tired to drive any longer and i wanted to have my bourbon at midnight. cue today, which has been beautiful driving weather.

portland, get ready.

Day 5-6 (Dec. 30-31)

2007-01-06T15:55:00.000-08:00

...and then my car was broken into.

Day 5 (December 31, 2006)

2007-01-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

we're in san francisco and decided at 3 pm we must stay here. I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MANY LESBIANS IN MY LIFE. so after a stroll around chinatown (we're staying downtown) and a few phone calls, k$ and i were directed to a place (in san francisco) called The Cat Club, where it was Lesbian Night, evidently. god bless karen for indulging my love of women. when i said that i had never seen so many lesbians in one place, super-straight karen replied, "and HOT ones, too! i always thought most lesbians were like rosie o'donnell."
awesome.
there were seriously like a million hot women all dancing to "Push It" and "Poison" by bel biv devoe. i loved this place. they were playing that drug episode of saved by the bell on the screens as well as clips from a Soul Train dancer audition and the video for new kids on the block's "step by step."more later. i'm a wee drunk and our cab almost caused a ginormous wreck on folsom. one day i might have to move here. JESUS. i mean, MOSES.

Day 4 (December 30)

2007-01-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

OMG. i have never driven so much in one day. we're about 200 miles south of san francisco after coasting around los angeles. after valencia (O! Valencia was, in fact, sung on the way in), we went through a mountain pass that was all at once the most beautiful night sight and the scariest. there was a 6 degree decline that made us feel as though we were riding an uncontrolled roller coaster. the mountains at night were luminous with their snowcaps reflecting in the moonlight. our intention was to drive much further and get as close to SF as possible so that we can have lots of time to burn tomorrow. however, after the scary pass, i needed to get out of the car asap. k$ said she closed her eyes for much of it because there was a semi-truck that was burning his brakes so as not to go out of control around the pass. there was even a "runaway truck" lane on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF I-5 from the Truck Lane. we both were slightly interested in knowing what that might look like (without death or harm to anyone, of course) to see a runaway eighteen-wheeler sliding down the mountain. so now i'm super tense and really excited about tomorrow.

we DID get to Joshua Tree and i photographed a specter (or? sp?) which was in all probability gram parsons. ;) it was gorgeous up in the little san bernadino mtns. beautiful colors off of the sunset. i'm beyond exhausted and tomorrow i have to be up for a super gay ol' time!

tucson to bakersfield, ca:

the decemberists--her majesty

tift merritt--tambourine

jay-z--the black album

the roots--game theory

bob dylan--rolling thunder revue

Day 3 (December 29, 2006)

2007-01-06T15:35:00.000-08:00

finally got to tucson about 1130. staying at a sketchy travelodge that smells like curry. mmmmm...currrrryyyyy. heard a rumor that we were abducted since i was briefly unavailable by phone. my little car made it through the san augustin mountain pass! the san andres mountains were beautiful. tomorrow we're going to go past los angeles toward bakersfield. i'm so excited about JOSHUA TREE national park. maybe i'll run into the spirit of gram parsons and we can hang amongst the scorpions and snakes.

say a good luck prayer for us, please.

to tucson soundtrack:
neil young--harvest (again, i know. the geography called for it.)
m.i.a.--arular
joni mitchell--blue

December 27, 2006 (Day 2)

2007-01-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of Wheels on Fire Aught 6:

so we finished up in dallas and rolled out headed to roswell. saw some cool stuff on that side of texas and k$ had never been past dallas, so it was a cool experience for both of us. she also got to drive my car for something like the 3rd time ever. i keep thinking about what my mom said to me when she hugged me goodbye. i do hope i find what i'm looking for. and maybe i'll just find it in the looking, you know?

dallas to roswell soundtrack:
wilco--yankee hotel foxtrot
iron & wine--woman king EP
bob dylan--highway 61 revisited
duncan's For Neola mix (SHOUT to D: dude knows how to make a mix!)
neil young--harvest
neko case--fox confessor brings the flood (why do you think i'm even bothering with tucson?? i have to convince this woman to marry me.)

tomorrow's touring the alien sites and sending postcards.

onward to tucson!

December 27, 2006

2007-01-06T15:27:00.000-08:00

yesterday we left much later than we planned...about 3 hours late because it took a while to get this strap fixed on my car. this was an essential repair considering it was to hold my gas tank in place. anyway, said our goodbyes and i cried on my mom because when she was hugging me she said, "i hope you find what you're looking for..."my mom is so cool. the drive was easy and i pulled out of jackson to the song i've been thinking about for months: Grateful Dead's "Box of Rain"--what a perfect song.

the soundtrack after that:
grateful dead--american beauty
neola's booty mix
weezer--pinkerton
red party 2 (from a party long ago...including old school hip hop)
bob marley--gold
counting crows--august and everything after

dallas has been eh and right now we're sitting in the gayest coffee house i have EVER BEEN. it's called Buli and some hot lady just walked in. i hope k$ forgives my ogling. :) so on to roswell we go today...we're giving up on getting to amarillo this trip in favor of more time in the new mexico blue sky.

onward!

And I wondered why the sadness crept in

2006-12-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

Today is World AIDS Day. It is a day of awareness & action.

There are approximately 39.5 million people living with HIV/AIDS worldwide.
That's 39.5 million too many.

Do something today to help reach the goal of reversing the spread of infection by 2015.

amFAR
AIDS.org

Or...if you're around Jackson you can do something locally. Support Grace House in any way you can.

Sometimes it's as simple as reading up on the facts and educating the next 5 people you see.

Do SOMETHING.

PSA for us all

2006-11-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

If you do anything today, make sure you go VOTE.

Moving like a camera I can watch you on my screen.

2006-11-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

liek OMG!

last night i was out and about and not only did i see oscar the grouch hangin' with medusa, but i also saw Marilyn Monroe hanging out with the Village People! well, some of them. and clarke gable.

letters from the heart of a friend

2006-10-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions.

-rainer maria rilke

Tugging at the darkness, word upon word

2006-10-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dreaming of Mercy Street...

i've been listening to peter gabriel today as a companion to the rain.

briefly i thought about when i gave you that book of anne sexton's poetry and wondered if you read it anymore.

In my dream,
drilling into the marrow
of my entire bone,
my real dream,
I'm walking up and down Beacon Hill
searching for a street sign --
namely MERCY STREET.
Not there.

what a memory to have on such a day. sometimes i wish that my nostalgia would just go away and then i instantly regret that wish. my soul becomes confused and the seams still unravel.

this weekend i saw something amazing. i saw the things that i think God really intends for us to see. i saw about 200 people come together to raise money for Grace House. 200 people walked downtown to the tune of about $10,000.

miracles happen every day.

then i saw twice that many people come together saturday night to celebrate diversity and love in every form. music carried us through and the energy knew no bounds. i feel renewed.

and I am walking and looking
and this is no dream
just my oily life
where the people are alibis
and the street is unfindable
for an entire lifetime.

is the street unfindable? i don't believe that. not for me. the vision might be blurry, but it's not completely gone. my heart overflows with need to seek it out.

i'm ready.
i'm ready.

Mercy, mercy, looking for mercy

from the bowels of baroque pop

2006-10-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think that hope is gone for good, new slowcore. i often wonder if i'll be left with the catalogues of belle & sebastian to keep me warm in the winter. however...

i've been listening to the Pernice Brothers (thank the god that NPR finally spotted them or i probably would have kept this secret to myself) since i found out about the similarity of their sound to the zombies. in addition to that purchase of the crane wife you are already supposed to have, i highly suggest you find "Zero Refills" or "Automaton" somewhere on the internets (preferably you should just buy the latest, Live a Little) and listen. no, no. really LISTEN. it's so good and pleasant and you'll swear it's colin blunstone breathing whispers into that mic.

if you are into the likes of the apples in stereo or mr. bacharach (which i know you are), you'll really like these kids.

well done.

note to self: talk more about those gems you're keeping to yourself.
note to readers: if you haven't gotten the newest YLT album, you're really missing out.

But I'm here with my hands on my heart

2006-10-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

how can one band be SO GOOD??

your mission for today: get The Crane Wife, the new Decemberists' album.

i can't seem to string the words together to do it justice just yet. hell, i probably won't ever do it justice, but there's still a review coming.

until i do, here's a picture of a camel. it was hanging out in a field with zebras and longhorns just outside of dallas. see those trucks in the background? that's I-20:

we're older now

2006-09-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

this morning i've been listening to the leaked tracks from the who's upcoming LP, Endless Wire.

i won't say much so as not to cloud judgement about the tracks or the album as a whole, but...

while roger's voice is undeniably older, the spark is still there even minus two of the original band. i'm looking forward to it. "it's not enough" brings out pete's hollering guitar and "tea & theatre" is a somber lament (i think) on the past...40ish years? dreams and goals and life and music and passion lamented as a past with just a hint of a future, but not much anymore.

i think i may have more to say about this when the album drops on october 31.
i want to tie in the commentary in the music industry (outside of the mainstream) that the album is dead and singles live on, that music has gone awry, and people don't care about the older guys much anymore (the dylans and petes).

as a side note, i watched The Fearless Freaks for the 3rd time and i commented to my friend vince via IM that sometimes you do recognize the talent of some entity (a musician, a band, an artist) and then it smacks you in the face of how awesome that talent is. i fell in love with the Flaming Lips all over again watching the documentary. they have a passion for pushing it all further, making music for the future. admirable passion. something we all often don't embrace in ourselves.

Santa Ana winds blowin' hot from the north

2006-09-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

finally, a few words about los angeles.

i flew out almost 2 weeks ago to hang with my friends amanda and ben in honor of his 30th birthday. while there i saw many things: the getty (gorgeous gardens!), mulholland drive (i looked for david lynch, but he must have been putting down the pie at bob's big boy), cowboy curtis (aka laurence fishburne), alan arkin's baby boy, adam (in the valley!), and a line for rock star: supernova. there was lot of fun in between and i was just so delighted to see my friends after so long.

so, here's some photos for your enjoyment:

as promised to my friend, jason, i stalked tom cruise. no suri, but he has little feet and worked the witchcraft on me:

the hollywood rock walk featuring one of my favorites (the whole thing was a rock freak's dream...the cure, brian wilson, X, the ramones, etc):

me on mulholland drive. no david lynch, sadly:

also, if you really know my humor, then you'll know why i even took this blurry photo:

what's a pappy cleaner?

in addition to the few fun times i took photos of, we also went to this really awesome seedy bar that reminded me of those forgotten motel bars. the purpose of the speak easy cocktail was to celebrate ben's aforementioned 30th birthday. the bartender was ruthie and she was scottish and it was so awesome when she sang along to 'sweet caroline' and ALSO had her own cds in the jukebox. i asked her about it just before we left and she explained that while she doesn't record now that she's in the states, she does do the karaoke. music of choice?

"mostly country. it's the music of GOD, you know."

i love l.a. (we love it).

i can't get the west off of my mind.

I stumbled upon your secret place

2006-09-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

i was sitting here watching vh1 classics (i think the one with elvis costello and green day and death cab for cutie is the best so far) and it's Heart with Alice in Chains and Carrie Underwood and Rufus Wainwright.

the weight of the world crashed down around me during rufus' rendition of 'dog and butterfly' with ann wilson. how did i get here? how did this change come about? when i think about it, i don't really want to think about my personal timeline. the twists and turns in my memory can be so overwhelming. i wish (sometimes, other times i'm glad) that i didn't have the memory i have.

since everything has cooled off i've made a point of rolling my windows down in the car. i especially enjoy it at night listening to highway 61 revisited on my way home from rehearsal. each night on the way back, coming back to myself after portraying a sad, scorned housewife, i yell along at the top of my lungs, "HOW DOES IT FEEEEEL???" my god. what a liberating moment. (side note: what in the hell is bob dylan doing playing guitar on an IPOD commercial???)

each time i do it i'm reminded of that night you sang 'it's the end of the world as we know it' and screaming into the mic, "AND I FEEL FINE!!!" how blind i was not to realize that my anger and discomfort was matched. how did it feel for you to put your guts into it? at that moment i saw passion in you, the passion that i always wondered about, if it was there. imprinted in my memory now is the notion that you have it in you to be an amazing songwriter. what's blocking your entry? probably the same thing that prevents me from showing my real words to anyone.

so much change and so much more to come. my countdown to THE REALLY BIG MOVE has begun. just less that four months now.

l.a. photos and thoughts coming....after the issue of jury duty is resolved.

looking for Alicia Keys

2006-08-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

i've been at work today thinking about how to craft my L.A. blog entry and listening to bob's latest, Modern Times. what do i have to say about it? (because we all know that i often have things to say about, well...everything.)

i am slightly disappointed as isn't as exciting as i thought it would be. it sounds the end of the three (continuing Time Out of Mind and Love and Theft). where's the innovation, bob? where the wow? do i judge it based on the other crap out there or do i compare it to bob's catalogue?

1. it's really great compared to the rest of the crap out there, although, i personally think john darnielle could give bob a run for his money.

2. it's...okay...compared to the rest of bob's catalogue. i'm still out on this one.

i thoroughly enjoy 'nettie moore' and 'ain't talkin'' as bright, somber points on the record, but for now i'll settle with: bob. where are the pounding guitars and glorious ivory? do you feel the end?

maybe the rocking sounds are just not appropriate for the 60-something bob who is attempting to give yet another "fuck you, but be with me" message. but what about that bunch that back you? they are reapers and are to be used.

to quote my colleague, the esteemed dr. "i bleed GBV" rockoff, "at this point, bob dylan could fart onto tape and it would be eaten up by the critics."

what do you think?

modern times

2006-08-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

before i post about my journey to los angeles, a few thoughts about today.

i feel like i should write about Katrina, the obligatory "where were you?s" and "how i coped" entry because is writing about it healing? i'm not sure. i can't say that i was in such distress that i still need healing after a year has passed. i was napping in an air-conditioned house listening to the rain fall harder and harder with each passing hour. i wouldn't call that need for healing.

but everyone else is writing about it...

hmm. this is like that year after the shooting at the high school. to this day, i am still asked, "were you there? how did you cope?" when people find out about it.

as much as an advocate for information as i am, i decided:
ENOUGH
and i stopped admitting where i'm from.

so instead of writing my thoughts about a year after katrina (there are a lot of memories attached there that really have nothing but time relevance to do with The Hurricane and i'm not in the mood to hash those out), i will say this:

what about...?
what about...?

our collective memory has failed us. tsunamis and AIDS and bombs.

it's been a year and i still don't want to talk about it.

Project Runway, episode #creepy

2006-08-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

how do the PR producers cause drama to no end? get the designers' moms and sisters to be the models--the Everyday Woman.

JESUS! sternum announces on freaking Project Runway that she's gonna pop another kid???

a bit of advice: USE A CONDOM. INDUCE MENOPAUSE.

and vincent? still creeping people out.

detroit was a complete bitch to angela's mom for NO GOOD REASON and has a tattoo on his neck.

next week's episode: PR introduces cage matches with tim gunn and michael kors to award immunity. no more of that design crap.

**SPOILER** in next week's episode, detroit has a tattoo on his neck.

A Modern Girl's Guide to Project Runway & Ricky Bobby

2006-08-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

Project Runway is starting to piss me off to no end. however, it is still crack to me and so much so that when i walked in last night after Cups-ing on my resume and grad school apps (makes for a tired brain), i panicked at seeing PR on the tv, thinking that it was WEDNESDAY instead of TUESDAY and i had just lost track of time.

it's not funny.
to mr. sparks and the missus i exclaimed, "i didn't miss the new episode, did i!?!!??"
they giggled.
then i checked myself into rehab.

if you didn't listen to tim gunn's podcast after the trainwreck that was last week's episode, go listen right now. i will wait while you do it....
sternum & vincent are going to throw a whole lotta ugly around and hurt each other.
ursher will probably tag-team with sternum and vincent will be defeated.
otherwise, detroit still has a tattoo. on his neck.

the end.

****************
we went to see talladega nights saturday night on a whim (i've been wanting to see it and needed to forego my rock star nightlife for an evening because of work on sunday) and it was funny. almost as funny as anchorman (i agree with you there, ben), but there were lots of those alleged "laugh out loud"moments. i was the ONLY person in a full theatre laughing that guffaw laugh.
how can you NOT laugh at will ferrell screaming for tom cruise to work that witchcraft and save him?!? do you know how funny that is?!?

obviously you have no sense of humor.

i wanna go to magnolia whiskey river flying too close to la cienaga

2006-08-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

wow. the music world is really grooving today. good news for all you country fans:

Ryan Adams is producing Willie Nelson's next album, Songbird.

i'll get to the Project Runway recap later. i am furious over that episode. so is tim gunn, evidently. mmm. i love me some furious tim gunn.

keep your eye on the 8-ball

2006-08-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

one of those ridiculous assistant principals at that high school i went to used to say that:

"Students! Keep your EYES on the EIGHT ball!"

and he wore a tie every first day of school that had the balls on it. he was a clever man. also slightly strange.

anyway, so i am reminded of him because of frank melton and his hijinks. if nothing else, you have to admit that those of us residing in jackson are always entertained by his current concerns.

the JFP reported on his State of the City address, held at the Alamo on Farish St. my favorite part of the article is the recount of the opening prayer:

Rev. Charles E. Polk of Saint Luther Missionary Baptist Church gave a long, rambling prayer, in which he called on God to bless the audience but “especially” Mayor Frank Melton. “God,” Polk thundered, “I ask you to give this man supernatural powers to lead Jackson.”

(emphasis mine)

bwahahahahahaha!

maybe he should call tom cruise. the last person on earth who should have any kind of powers is frank melton.

or suri cruise.

oh and in case you are still wondering where that elusive scientology miracle is:

Where is Suri?

PR, ep. 5

2006-08-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

ugh.

detroit barks and now i can't wait to see him and sternum catfight in the sewing room. except sternum has bigger balls than neck will ever have.

robert's still boring, vincent is still crazy and why did they have to ruin a good thing by bringing personal stuff into the show? why is ursher callin' his momma? why is ursher telling us about callin' his momma?

also, arts 'n crafts is improving...this season could actually be interesting by the end.

You know that I could be in love with almost everyone

2006-08-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

Arthur Lee died. Please begin mourning.

Project Runway, ep. 4

2006-08-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

I forgot to write about episode 3. oops. i was sad and i am convinced that had michael kors actually showed up for the episode, things would have been very different. maybe vera wang gave him a haircut with the kid-safe scissors, too, and he's too embarrassed to be seen with boo-boo head.

so...episode 4. ursher and sternum are my favorite team since Cagney & Lacey. in fact, they are the 21st century's C&L. two strong black women with tricks up the sleeve, including turning arts 'n craft's ideas into something cool. so maybe only one is black and one is a woman. both by association? yes.

i'm not spoiling on here anymore. you'll just have to watch the episode if you care who won and who got kicked off. the BIG SCANDAL that's been teased about since the season began was sort of a letdown.

kayne needs to quit that tattle-taling and continue etching Kayne Hearts Robert on his ass.

my predictions now: sternum, uli, ursher, and...arts 'n crafts...will make it to the end.

hey, somebody has to fill wendy pepper's and kara janx's size gross shoes.

did video kill the radio star?

2006-08-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

happy 25th birthday, MTV.

ass.

i know all about it, so you don't have to shout it

2006-07-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

so. this is it.

25.

i'm up late when i am beyond the point of exhaustion because the thoughts don't stop.
this week has been a week of unending activism. i have been wanting to blog about the events of the MS Reproductive Freedom Summer, but everything has been so busy and honestly, to the point of debilitating. in a few hours i will join the march to the capitol with many other pro-choice activists and supporters. i will blog about each day and the effect on me and those i see after this day is done.

that day is also my birthday. #25.

i get so reflective on my birthday. is it bad? good? useful? useless?
i review my year as one birthday to the next. this birthday is so different from what i imagined it would be the day i turned 24. things fail sometimes, but you take the wreckage and make something better out of it. that's what 24 taught me.

i think that 25 will teach me that this is MY life to live and this is my one chance to do it big. i will see the corners of the u.s. in the next few months and by my next birthday, i will hopefully be settling into my new town and getting ready for school, ready to tackle the world.

and now the thoughts settle.

Project Runway episode 2

2006-07-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

So....today I mourn for our departed Malan. He was so...such a....um, trainwreck? That child made up that story about his momma throwing his designs on the floor. Still, I would have been entertained by watching him (eventually) spar with Detroit and Ursher.

By the way, we don't actually call many of these people by their real names in our house.
Vincent= old basket dude
Laura= Sternum
Michael= Ursher
_____=Detroit (um, what is his name?)

and etc...just so you know how to decipher these episodic posts.

angela, formerly known to basket as allison, was made to be the villain this episode, which i don't really understand. yes, she is completely incompetent in the design world ("um..i don't really sketch. how do you feel about GLOVES??") and could stand to chill with the arts 'n' farts 'n' crafts. however, i still maintain that basket should have been kicked off. he completely cut her out of the project. i bet he would have been if old bitch would have grown a backbone and stood up for herself.

the lot of dresses were in a word: mediocre. i'm not very impressed with the design skills of these people (yet). kayne's ready to go home since his awful iridescent "masterpiece" was crowned (hee!) the winner. dude wet himself and went back to kentucky. malan draped his model in a big piece of poo (literally...did you see that thing?), basket's dress had a case of the judy jetson, and then there's the rest of...slightly flesh colored "masterpieces."

anyway, i'm still waiting for the big mystery tim gunn's "i'm going to have to ask you to leave" scandal.

until then....keep watching.

Project Runway number 3

2006-07-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

So...this new cast may have some excitement in them after all. I have been waiting for this.

Malan is just...crazy. When asked where he's from, he replied, "Born in Taiwan...and...from...uh...all ovah." Dude is gonna reveal one of these episodes that he's straight outta Compton.

Ursher's coffee filter dress was really...pretty. and the gay southern boy's comment about it smelling like febreze cracked me up.

And then there's Detroit Rock City Neck. His attempt at Santino's villainous shoes is only so-so. Dude...chill with the gray hoodie, okay?

I can't wait to see who is getting kicked out for violating the rules of the game. Sometimes, I think I want Tim Gunn to be my baby daddy. Hmm...maybe not. He likes turtleneck sweaters too much. Oh...and he's the gay, so he probably wouldn't comply to being baby-daddy.

Humph.

If you don't watch this show, what in the hells is wrong with you??

PSA: Fondren Theatre Workshop

2006-07-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

I ripped this info from Beth, but I'm sure she won't mind. :) If any of you are reading from the Jackson area, please make sure to come out for this.

Come see what everyone’s talking about.
FTW's 3rd Annual New Play Project
Rainbow Co-op Plaza
2807 Old Canton Rd.Jackson, Mississippi
July 13-16 at 7:30pm

Eight plays. Four nights. Two rounds of performances:
Round one: Thursday July 13 & Saturday, July 15 (Mature audiences)
Last Rights by Charles and Stephen Morgan; Voices in the Storm by J.C. Patterson; Until Death Do Us Part by Katrina Byrd; Unshelved by Beth Kander

Round two: Friday, July 14 and Sunday, July 16 (Rated PG some adult themes)The Visit by Judy Tucker; Unborn Ghosts by George Vance; Getting Real by Sue Stock; Interrupted Journey by John Howell.

Admission is $7.00, or an $11.00 "festival pass" gives admission to both rounds.

Come early: tickets sold at door. Performances followed by talkback with playwrights.

Half of all proceeds will be donated to Operation Shoestring and organizations endorsed by The One Campaign to End Poverty.

So, for any of y'all reading this in the Jackson area, come support local artists, charities, and the downtown Jackson scene!

i wish you were here

2006-07-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Syd Barrett died. That's really sort of sad.

it's hard to take courage/in a world full of people

2006-07-07T11:29:00.001-07:00

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone
--grateful dead (lyrics: robert hunter)

the past couple of months became a time of intense examination of my life and how it is lived, rather, not lived. my salvation came in the form of harvest and american beauty, interestingly enough. through a few small roadtrips for exploration and expression, i embodied that moment at the end of "Freaks and Geeks" when lindsay weir feels it. that was my moment, too. that was my moment, or at least, something like it.

that moment is clarity. clarity for where my path goes. we are all on this monstrous path, a journey to the center, with turns, twists, forks, all those road terms. great metaphor, right? personally, i think so, yes. after we get plopped right down into the middle of that path, we get to choose where we turn off, where we wander, how we get around something to get back to the path. but maybe, just maybe, that path doesn't look like it did before. it's still the same path, but those turn-offs and detours make the world look just a little bit different.

the world looks different since i saw it a few months ago. is it because i changed or is it because i stayed the same while the world around me changed? how much do you account into the big picture? things are brighter, more meaningful and while my days are gone before i can begin them, my life is lived at a wonderful pace. i have seen what passion is again...for so long i forgot and now i remember.

applications are flying, flights are being booked, friends are contacted and the world spins at a dizzying speed. i am at once frightened and on tiptoes in anticipation for what comes next.

but first, a loose end--and i hope you read this and understand:

i want to apologize for the awful things i said. in a fit of rage and disappointment, i wanted you to hurt like me. i wanted you to feel the stings. i should never have cut you with words like i did and for that i am sorry. i threw words at you like daggers and i dream about the wounds i created at the time. i don't know that i'll ever look you in the face again and be able to commune over songwriters and which album feels like home. i do hope that our time gave you fodder for the most amazing songs of your life. all i ask of you is to break your lyrical boundaries. i know that our moments have fertilized the unkempt corners of my short-story life. you became a lost chapter in my collection of lives, but you are slowly moving into the index from "someone i used to know" to "someone i used to love." the good memories are returning and the veil of hurt is quickly receding. i wonder how your memory will see me. will i be filed away as a former, a once-was? will i be forgotten forever? will we be able to incidentally cross paths again and laugh about our follies and grieve together about the friendship we lost?

my hope is for all of those things...my hope is that you are truly happy and that you find direction around the corner where it's been waiting to meet you*, that you take the moment to finally see past yourself.

i know i have. and my god, does the world look beautiful from here.

*(thank you, robert hunter, again)

how does it feel?

2006-07-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

i picked up the new Paste last week and have read it over and over, thinking about what commentary i wanted to post here. i have a lot of thoughts on the 100 Greatest Living Songwriters, but i'll just bring up a few:

1) Right on. YES. Bob Dylan is #1 on that list and absolutely should be with Neil Young nipping at his heels.

2) Where is Jeff Mangum? Ben Gibbard? BEN FUCKIN' GIBBARD?!?

3) I don't agree with the entire order (Bob Pollard showing up in the 70/80s..SUCH a shame), but I am glad that Paste allowed readers to compile their own list. Also, the blurbs about each artist (or in the case of Alan Partridge and Dylan, articles) were written by highly respected music writers and musicians.

i'm still digesting the order and i'm sure i'll comment more about it.

go buy it anyway and read it...they include some of the best, errr..., poignant lyrics from each songwriter.

suspicious minds want to know

2006-07-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

What a weekend with time well-spent with lots of long-lost friends who happened upon Jackson. had a cookout with the ladies over in brandon (including a munchkin i haven't seen in over 3 years) and another cookout with (quite possibly, the loves-of-my-life) jerry & alex et al. the holiday weekend was filled with much cooking, lots of new & old friends (on the coattails of a very successful supper club) and absorbing renewed energy.

j&a came into jackson and we declared that the 4th of july would be moved to the 3rd so as to honor their presence. i have missed the hell out of those two. charlotte, here i come.

that brings me to the real 4th of july. all else fails, amy intern and i trekked to holly springs to see if mr. world's #1 elvis fan would be willing to entertain us for the independence day.

oh, yes, we got to holly springs. and we got into graceland too.

this was my second visit ever and i am in awe that we left alive. at no less than 27 times did i wonder if we were going to be chopped into tiny pieces and stored with his alleged ex-wife ("She said it was her or elvis. I gave her a million in caszzzzzsh and said so long!").

the zzzz is to indicate the problem with his speech due to extremely ill-fitting dentures that slide around when he talks. i wish he was a hillbilly. he's not...still has the accent of the detroit auto worker he was.

have you ever been to this place? this stuffed, stenched antebellum home in bumfuck, ms?
he claims that he and his son (who hasn't been seen in 3 years, but is constantly referred to by mr. scary in his "tour") have compiled millions of tv clips, newspaper clippings, references, anything related to elvis presley. by the way, his son is named elvis a(a)ron presley macleod. yes, i am serious.

you never actually learn anything about elvis, just how much the collection is worth or could be bought for. i think we heard figures of 250k (offered by bill clinton), a million ("not for a million dollars in caszzzzzzzzsh!") and even the more unbelievable 10 million. he has trunks "full" of carpet from the jungle room at graceland. they are under locks and are never opened. the second you get the courage to ask about it, he touches you and then you feel the need to run away screaming. he also repeatedly refers to tom cruise and his dog. that also gives you the feeling of crawling out of your skin.

the man has built a working electric chair in his Jailhouse Rock backyard...with ten foot barbed wire fences! and a mannequin named Sparky whose unfortunate demise comes with each test of the electric chair.

also, coke "makes me so damn horny! i used to jump my wife 2 times a day, 21 times a week, 365 days a year!" and all the cops and sheriff deputies, etc. all know how to get to his house. why you ask? how do they know? "because they're all ni**ers!" the picture he took of us for the wall of visitors must betray our silent screams.

he is obsessed with numbers, talks your ear off about how we should marry his son and split the money with him, and makes curiously offensive remarks. i personally think he is somewhere on the autism spectrum. that is not a joke. i seriously think that. he is also at once heartbreakingly sad and intriguing. has his loneliness backed him into a corner of tragedy.

the only curious item that he actually has on display (not one of the many things he suggests he has "in warehouses in 3 different states!") is this record, which he says is just elvis answering 4 questions. he claims there are only 15 copies of this one-sided record and that he has one of them:

it's a blurry photo, yes, but does anyone have an inkling as to whether this is truth or not?

my money's on not.

thus ends adventures in Mentally Unstableville.

the repetition really is in you

2006-06-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

a thought:

do you want to dance?

two groups to listen to right now:

Gotan Project (I recommend Lunatico)
Hot Chip (recently featured on NPR)

goddamn i love some good beats.

aeroplanes

2006-06-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

Jeff Mangum resurfaces...again.

i am a scientist - i seek to understand me

2006-06-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

I have an unbelievable amount of thoughts rolling around. These thoughts are due mostly to (foolishly) watching CNN last night. I should have just stuck with watching Bravo or suffering through The Secret Life of... on the Food Network.

Larry King had all of the female Democrat U.S. senators on last night. It was an interesting show asking the questions of how would you do things differently? Each senator submitted a checklist of issues to talk about and for the first time in a while, I actually think Larry did a great job of staying on task and encouraging the discussion (even among so many guests). They, of course, took advantage of Anderson Cooper's (grrrrrrr....) break-ins (previews for 360) about John Kerry and his debate issue. The commentary was something like, "John Kerry's battle to decide a definite date for pullout from Iraq is dividing the Democratic party and causing friction. Is the shake up necessary blah blah blah?"

To which I commented: I wish that Anderson, Larry, et al had prefaced that statement with, "While the Democratic party needs no help in faltering and division, Senator John Kerry's battle, etc."

I am so over the Democratic Party. Have they learned nothing of the last several elections? The Republican Party (as heinous as it is) is a machine come election time. We are entering into yet another election season and what have the Dems done? Bicker, bicker.

I agree with Kathy Griffin: I'd give Clinton a blowjob just to get him back in office or any kind of power (especially in the DP).

All in all, I enjoyed seeing so many strong women discussing with each other on Larry King and the common phrase among them was: "don't just attempt to do things or attempt to assemble, just do it, get it done." I also particularly enjoyed hearing their checklists which included reployment, Social Security issues, environmental concerns (including suggestions that the Fed. gov't should make certain that the next fleet of vehicles purchased are fuel efficient, re: hybrids), etc. They have smart heads on their shoulders unlike Bill Frist who thinks that gay marriage and flag-burning are the most pressing issues facing us today.

I stayed around for 360 and after Anderson Cooper (purrrrrr....) spoke with Kerry, he moved on to response from Kay Bailey Hutchison (R - TX). She is my new archenemy. Here is an elected official, a representative of the people of Texas. She seems like an intelligent lady, but in response to the question of polling the public (in this case, a poll about a definite pullout date, which favored the definition of redeployment), she answered, "You can't look at the polls or discussion. We need to do what's best for the American people. We can't hand over to the enemy a date of control...etc...enemy...etc...enemy." Not only does she not want to listen to the people she represents (I have my own thoughts about political polling, but I digress), she changed the course of the discussion and wants you to be afraid.

The policy of fear.
When does that end?

last night i dreamt i'd forgotten my name

2006-06-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of NPR, take a look at this site: We Feel Fine. What do you think about it?

Singing words, words between the lines of age

2006-06-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

mazel tov to my friends, amanda & ben, for their (finally) engagement! a short version of the story is over at Ben's blog as well as a photo of the happy couple on the beach.

those kids are adorable. i'm so so SO happy for them. :o)

******************************************

i wrote some time ago about wanting to be a better storyteller. it's not just the oral tradition or the writing tradition of storytelling, but also i'd like to venture into photo storytelling.

after a crazy week of work and *stuff*, i decided to take a drive up to philadelphia, ms. our family still visits the home of my late great-grandparents, which is stuck in time. little papaw (as my great-grandfather was fondly known as, his counterpart being little mamaw. i suppose it was to offset the difference between them and my grandparents. possibly, also, is because they both were just around 5 feet tall.) passed away in the late 70s and little mamaw died the Easter before i was born in 1981. the house looks like it probably did throughout the decades of happiness and hardship they spent there. i've never been up there by myself (its exact location? somewhere in the heart of neshoba county on river road [now known as road 602]) and when i opened the door, tears poured. i've always felt the presence of memory there, not just my own, but the memories of the generations of family that have lived there. i've been on a mission to discover what my genetic code is trying to tell me and what the ghosts of those before me are trying to relay. i had packed up my car with two cameras (my newest digital and the trusty 35 mm--note: NOT a point and click, i've always appreciated the control of the lenses), a big bottle of water and some neil young, gillian welch, grateful dead, neko case, among others. they were my traveling companions for this brief trip. after singing along to 'cowgirl in the sand' and 'i dream a highway', i pulled up to the house on the crossroads.

and here i used to paint watercolors among the splinters,
a tow-headed child with dirty feet and unknown aspirations.
this is the porch where i first saw fireflies
and rocked with the women of generations ago,
this is the house where i came today
and felt at home in a universe of noise.

i ventured throughout the house, revisiting each room fondly like a long-lost relative. i breathed that old air and began snapping pictures, hungry for more memories and listening all the while to the whispers:

freehand drawings of Lon Chaney

2006-06-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

BATWOMAN IS THE GAY!

I may have to start reading the "52" series.

Also, Bill Frist can kiss my queer ass. Again.

Flag-burning and gay marriage. The thorns in America's side.

I Y the legislative system.

invisible hands

2006-05-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

my good friend over at All Else Fails reminded me of something to share:

after 25 years of public knowledge, 38 million people are infected...

25 million people have died worldwide from infection...

Africa is slowing down...slowing, but not stopping...

it's on the rise in eastern Europe, according to the 2006 U.N. report...

educate yourself about HIV/AIDS and then educate your family, your friends.

other sites to know and get involved with:

amfAR

International HIV/AIDS Alliance

/public service announcement.

everybody knows this is nowhere

2006-05-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

i keep finding words of other writers that inspire me to just...live. do you have any words like this that push you in a similar direction?

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

-e.e. cummings

***********************
thanks, mr. neil young, for my entry title. looking forward to your heart of gold.

i feel a song coming on

2006-05-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to NPR a lot this week, mostly Fresh Air, to change up my music habits at work. by the way, if you don't know the absolute gem that is Fresh Air (i want terry gross to be my baby-mama), it's on every day and then posted on npr.org.

i've made my specific effort to listen to Fresh Air because terry's had Leonard Cohen and Willie Nelson (my papaw-sugardaddy) on talking about new books. Cohen has, of course, a new book of poetry, Book of Longing. Willie has published a book about happiness called The Tao of Willie.

then i was surfing around for something else to listen to and today i stumbled upon the Jennifer Sharpe-produced commentary on Stairway to Stardom, a pre-American Idol public access show from 1980s Manhattan. the videos have made their way to the internet and have garnered a cult following.

and HOLY SHITE i can see why:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=69DFD9F834502B13

watch the videos. there are singers, dancers, and A MONOLOGUE ABOUT RADIATORS by a woman named Precious Taft. and bj the messenger in a ski mask and beret rapping "Crackhead."

i'm shouting because i'm excited.

A MONOLOGUE ABOUT RADIATORS.

a bad debt follows you

2006-05-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

"... automatically, worn out by the gloomy day and by the perspective of a sad tomorrow, I put in my mouth a spoonful of tea in which I had softened a piece of the madeleine.... A delicious pleasure overtook me, isolated, disconnected from any idea about its cause. It immediately made life’s vicissitudes indifferent to me, life’s disasters became innocuous, its brevity illusory, in the same way that love operates, filling me with a precious essence: or, rather, this essence was not in me, it was me."

-Marcel Proust

sometimes moments come along that you don't want to embrace, but you have to do it anyway. there have been a few moments in my life like this, moments where i wanted to run away and avoid the truth of the matter. yesterday, however, was the first time i walked into truth and decision head on, impulsively acting on my emotion.

today i feel free of the dead weight of dying flowers. the sweet smell faded quickly and became a choking stench.

at some point that stench with disappear, leaving room for new growth and return to beauty. that point is not today and it will not be tomorrow.

no longer will my decisions be greedily snatched from my hands. this is the last i will say about anything intensely personal here.

i found out that time really is a revelator. god bless gillian welch.